Project X (2011)

I like going to parties. I like getting pissed and rooting to high Heaven. It’s what I do ok? You’ll know when I enter your party – it’s a kind of Moses parting the Red Sea-type affair. The crowds make way for my entrance, the girls swoon, drop their gussets and the room slowly fills with the sweet aroma of fish. From there on in, I’ll infiltrate your party, using my throb-wand with pin-point accuracy to fell only the best-looking females. If you were looking to get some action at your own party, gutted blud, cos I’m all the girls want.

So yeah, I like parties.

Project X is about a party. Therefore, I liked it. All it is, is a party. Just a party. And it’s wicked.

It starts with three geeky blokes who decide they want to have this party to, in a sense, ‘get their dicks wet.’ I like these guys already. Anyway, they throw this massive house party and it goes absolutely mental and the house and neighborhood end up getting completely trashed. Oops, hey at least they saw some tits eh?

It’s also one of those ‘camcorder’ movies – they’ve got this funny goth kid filming the whole thing on his fancy camera, but you can sort of ignore that if you want because it’s all just a bit of an excuse for some shaky cam insanity. It works pretty bloody well though, the camera being passed around the party and throwing you dick-first right into the action. And underwater where all the boobies are.

What you’ve got to realise with Project X is that characterisation is zero – you won’t give an arse beard about almost every single person in the film, bar possibly the three main geeks (I’ve forgotten all their names – see?). You want them to have sex, you don’t want them to get hurt – that’s about it for any tension. The rest of the film is just like reliving an actual party. It’s not a normal film with a clear narrative or coherent plot – IT’S JUST A FUCKING PARTY WITH SOME TITS IN IT.

So why not just go to a real party then? Well, you should do, but you know, maybe you’ve hurt your ankle or something (not an obstacle for me, but it might be different for you) and you’ve got to stay in. It’s the closest you can get to going to a party without actually going to one.  It’s a good time.

Critics have been positioning their boring arseholes over Project X and dropping bland, beige turds onto it from the great height of their penis shaped pedestals, but last time I looked in the mirror, I was far better looking than any of them so I couldn’t give two sweaty scrotum inhabitants. Not bothered.

Your enjoyment of this will completely depend if you like going to big parties, getting blottoed, listening to really loud and mindless music (which at the time is the best thing you’ve ever heard but when you listen to it the next day you can’t believe how shit it is), rubbing your privates up against the privates of the opposite sex and also swimming with topless girls with their tits out. Topless. With their tits out. (Topless).

With their tits out.*

So basically, if you were as cool as me at school, then you’re probably going to like this. If however, you were that boy that walked around on his tiptoes squeezing the end of his bell-end and picking bogeys and wiping them under the table, then you’re probably not going to like it. Unless you re-invented yourself at Uni or something, but don’t get too big for your boots Sonny Jim, I’ve still got that video of you wetting yourself in Maths. Just watch it, ok? No-one likes a show-off.

To summarize my inane ramblings – I thought Project X was wicked.

Anyway, I’m off to a house party now. I’ve already got my condom on. Although that’s mainly just so that I can make a point of taking it off and putting it in the bin as soon as I get there.

7 18s out of 10.



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