People I Like no. 9: John Carpenter

Next up on People I Like is our man John Carpenter, one of the greatest horror directors ever in my opinion.  And as we all know, ‘my opinion’ is another word for ‘fucking fact’ isn’t it? So let’s go:

Assault on Precinct 13 – So obviously I saw this when it was an 18. It was brilliant. Now it is a 15. It is shit.

Halloween – One of the absolute best slashers ever made (read my original review here), Halloween has been a favourite of mine for years. It also gave me the idea for one of my favourite hobbies – painting my face white and standing by 7 ft bushes until someone sees me out of the corner of their eye, then hiding behind it when they take a proper look. Really puts the shits up people. Especially babysitters.

 

 

Halloween II – Carpenter didn’t direct this, but he wrote and produced it. As first sequels go, it’s one of my favourites – it’s not quite as good as the first, but there is a wicked bit with some socking bajongas in a hot tub. It pretty much introduced me to baroombas in hot tubs. Before Halloween II, I’d look at boobies and think, “Gee, those batronkas are hunky-dory!” But after, it was always, “Wow, those maloombonks sure are neat, but imagine them in a hot tub, that would really be a gosh-darn golly of a fuck wouldn’t it?” So yeah, thanks Halloween II for introducing me to hot tub-tits.

I tell you, we wouldn’t have Hostel’s sauna-boobs if it wasn’t for Halloween II. It’s that influential.

The Thing I absolutely love The Thing (original review here). It’s one of the best fuck-let’s-hope-we-can-revive-this-guy-otherwise-he’s-fucked-oi-quick-get-the-defibrillators-out-and-do-that-clear!-clear!-thing-that-doctors-do-yeah-that’s-it-you’re-doing-it-OH-FUCK-THERE’S-TEETH-IN-HIS-CHEST-and-your-fucking-arms-are-gone-and-his-stomach-is-eating-them-and-HOLY-FUCK-there-are-tentacles-everywhere-and-JESUS-CHRIST-that’s-one-ugly-motherfucking-motherfucker-on-the-end-of-that-sodding-gooey-tube-of-shit-coming-out-of-his-stomach-and-SHIT-THE-FUCK-OFF-what’s-happening-to-his-neck-OH-I-SEE-it’s-fucking-stretching-to-fuck-and-back-and-I-reckon-it’s-going-to-come-off-in-a-second-I-WAS-RIGHT-it-did-and-YOU’VE-GOTTA-BE-FUCKING-KIDDING-there-are-legs-coming-out-of-his-upside-down-head-and-it’s-running-off-TORCH-THAT-FUCKER-YOU-BEARDY-TWAT films I’ve ever seen.

 

 

Christine – I actually started reading the book for this but guess what? It was a book and there was a film so I  gave up and watched the film instead. The film was ace, because not only is it a Stephen King story, but it’s also a John Carpenter film – a match made in Spearmint Rhinos. This one is about a geek who buys this sweet whip that extracts vagina juice like no other, and so obviously the geek is well happy. Basically, he realises its beautiful abyss attracting potential and slowly disappears up his own arse, complete with his shit sunglasses.

Then the car goes wank-shit and starts merking people. It’s really good. It’s like an episode of Top Gear but without the endless close-up shots of Richard Hammond fingering James May’s arsehole whilst they both suckle on Jeremy Clarkson’s wrinkly cock and balls. And with killing.

Prince of Darkness – When I saw this it was an 18 and I absolutely loved it. However, it has since been reclassified as a 15 so watch me kick this piece of polystyrene into a fire.

They Live – This is sweeter than rubbing a piece of sandpaper up your gooch whilst eating Haribo. I love this bonkers baloney. It’s about this bloke who finds a magic pair of sunglasses (stay with me) which reveals to him that there are aliens living among us and subliminal advertising coating billboards all over America. So basically, he has to chew some bubblegum and kick some ass, but HE’S ALL OUT OF ASS! No, wait. I’ll get back to you on this one.

Either way, Roddy Piper has a really long and aggressive shag fight with Keith David because Keith David doesn’t want to wear the glasses. I always fight people when I don’t want to wear the glasses so I get where Keith is coming from.  I HATE it when people try and make me wear the glasses.

In The Mouth of MadnessIt’s a 15 but who wants to a see a film about Suggs giving blowjobs anyway? Not me, that’s for sure.

 

 

Vampires – This was a good-un. Not everyone liked it, but then not everyone is me so shut that mustard-flavoured shit-covered mouthy gob of yours, you swot. It’s a vampire film but it’s not about sparkly bell-ends or diaries or any shit like that – it’s about hard-arse fuckers shunting great old stakes through a bunch of nutcase wankpires, then dragging their screaming carcasses out into the sunlight so that they burst into a ball of bollocks like a flaming bag of shit.

And James Woods is in it. Gutted everyone who isn’t James Woods because you’re not in it! Apart from all the other people in the movie that weren’t James Woods, but you get my drift.

Actually you probably don’t.

Fuck you.

Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns – I can’t really remember what happens in this but I remember it was good. I’ll see you at the next Young Journalist of the Year awards.

The Ward – BUCK YOUR FUCKING IDEAS UP JOHN OTHERWISE I’M OUT.

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He’s quite good isn’t he? If you haven’t seen any of the films on this list, then it’s high time you did, otherwise you see this dictionary here? Yeah, well I’m going to open it up, find the word ‘pillock’, highlight it, then attempt to insert the whole book up your backside.

And trust me, it hurts – I once had a girl do it to me. The word she’d highlighted was ‘that was the best sex I’ve ever had.’

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