The Human Updatepede 3

As I mentioned a couple of shags ago, The Human Centipede 3 is shaping up to be a right old sodding bonkers pot of slag and scratchings. It seems Tom Six is going all out with the third and final installment, what with its meta-approach and 500+ mega-pede.

However, someone seems to have thrown a spanner into the botty botty bot bot. Namely Dieter Laser of all people. The best thing about part one (APART FROM THE SHITTING BIT) has now pulled out (that’s what she said) over a disagreement with the script:

Dieter Laser: Tom, I’m not happy with this screenplay.

Tom Six: What? Why not?

Laser: It’s different from when we talked about it before.

Six: In what way?

Laser: I’m just not happy with the route that the poo goes from the front to the back of the centipede.

Six: Dieter, that’s the route I want the poo to take ok?

Laser: You’ve complete reneged on our poo-route discussions and I’m not happy.

Six: I took a long hard look at the route the poo was taking in the original draft, and it just wasn’t working – we needed to alter where the poo was going to go.

Laser: The fucking reason I signed onto this movie was because of the poo-route. I truly believed the reasons behind the route, and I agreed with my character’s reactions to the route the poo was taking.

Six: Fuck’s sake, the original poo-route was implausible! You’ve got to be an idiot not to notice that. Have you ever even done a poo?

Laser: I’ve done a great deal more poos than you, Sonny Jim. I’ve done enough to know the exact route one would take in this situation.

Six: Well, fuck it. I’m sorry.  I’ve thought this through and this is the route the poo is taking, what are you going to do about it?

Laser: I’m going to have to leave then, Tom. It’s unfortunate but I’ve gotta go. This meeting is over. Coincidentally I also need a poo – I won’t tell you how it goes though, because evidently you don’t understand these type of things. Goodbye.

Six: Fuck you. I’m calling Laurence R Harvey, he’s done more poos than both of us put together so I think I’ll listen to him from now on mate. Shut the door on your way out – if you can follow the correct route out that is, something your arsehole clearly has trouble with.


I assume this is how it all went, anyway. Either way, Six is suing Laser for breach of contract. It’s all getting pretty messy down at Human CentiTowers isn’t it? I’m sure it’ll all come together just nicely.

Something which can’t be said of last night’s threesome. Sheesh, what a palaver.

Read the whole story here.

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