So, these insane Japanese gore films are extremely hit and miss, a bit like my shits – some of them hit the bowl, some end on the seat, and others get hurled into the postman’s face. What I’m trying to say is that some are rubbish and others are good. I realise now that that anecdote made absolutely no sense but I was in the mood for telling you about my defecating habits ok? You can like it or lump it – a bit like my attitude to my shits. I like some of them, others I don’t take a fancy to and therefore lump with other people, usually through their letterboxes or in their backpacks.
Anyway, Deadball is one of these disgustingly extreme, mentally deranged and incomprehensibly preposterous Japanese gore films; only this time it centres itself around baseball. Now, I really haven’t seen many sport movies at all, because whenever I pick the DVDs up, all I can usually see is the reflection of a baby in the cellophane and so I have to put them back. So I jumped at the chance to watch a proper sports film 18.
Gutted me. It was pretty shit. A bit like one of my shits – shit.
Basically, it’s about this bloke called Jubeh (played by Tak Sakaguchi, of the awesome Versus) who accidentally kills his Dad because he does some sort of mega-flying-fire pitch and smashes his head in with a baseball. So obviously he vows never to play baseball again. But you’re a bit clever aren’t you readers? You know what’s what don’t you eh? You’ve got a right old pair of swinging bollocks/tits haven’t you? That’s because you all know that yes, at some point he’s going to have play baseball again.
And you’re right. Go out and buy a packet of Skittles as a reward – they’re on offer for a quid at the Tescos on the corner, get down there quick. So anyway, Jubeh is behind bars for baseballing his old man’s gob out, and then some nutcase Japanese Nazis (there’s even a portrait of a Japanese Hitler) decide that they want to hold this really violent game of baseball at the prison for no reason. So obviously they recruit Jubeh and a ‘rag-tag’ bunch of other twats to play against these really hot, scantily-clad murderers from another jail.
After we’re ‘introduced’ to the ‘characters’, the rest of the film is just a massive baseball tournament where people get cut in half by balls that split into razor wire, get their faces pummelled with nails, get blown up, get their eyes gouged out, and lie there not being able to get comfortable because they can’t arrange their willy in a specific way in relation to their balls. Sorry, the last one was me, not anyone in the film.
It sounds like it would be well good – I was looking forward to watching it, all I needed to get excited was to hear ‘Japanese’, ‘Baseball’, ‘Gore’ and ‘Fisting’ and I was ready to piss on the dotted slutbag. However, and that’s a BIG HOWEVER (almost as big as that poo you did in the attic), it’s pretty rubbish. It’s really, really silly and slapstick.
Now I find people falling over as funny as the next
hype man, in fact, I don’t think I’ll ever tire of seeing people falling over, it’s almost as good as people dropping food. But this is really dumb. I mean I completely understand I’m being a gigantic hypocrite here because if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a tad immature (willy snot coming out of a poo bum), but I just didn’t like it that much.
There were some funny bits, like the fisting part, the fact that Jubeh keeps picking cigarettes out of thin air (these bits were really good) and obviously Tak Sakaguchi is as cool as ever, but there are too many other poo bits to offset this. The special effects are also terrible – yes I realise it’s a low budget film, but they could have done most of the blood effects with ketchup rather than the stupid iMac CGI shitheaps that were spurting out of people’s necks and arseholes.
It’s a shame really, because it had the potential to be good – I’ve enjoyed a great many Japanese gore films, but this one just fell at second base. Second base is a blowjob right? I’ve never really worked this out. I always go straight for the home run.
A HOME RUN IS SEX RIGHT?
I know all about that.
For I have done it.
In the vagina.
With my DICK.
I give Deadball 4 18s out of 10.