The other day I reviewed Deadball, the Japanese horror flick about an insane game of baseball, and as you’ll recall, it was a pretty hilarious review. If I could email you guys incontinence pads I would, but technology isn’t that advanced yet so I guess you’ll have to deal with wetting your pants every time you visit this site.
Anyway, they’ve only gone and made another fucking horror movie about baseball; this one’s called Billy Club:
It looks pretty shit unfortunately, apart from the bit at 1.24 where the bloke jumps on the quad bike and it sounds like he does a really loud fart just as he lands. But I guess that only happens once in the film.
So yeah, there seems to be some sort of trend in sports-themed horror films emerging, or at least there is in my life at the moment – I only just bought I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer too. As a result, I figured that was an easy segue into putting some of my fantastic ideas for sports-themed horror movies on the site. Add yours in the comments and the best one won’t win a prize.
The Curly Gates – A haunted curling stone goes on a sliding rampage of death during the winter Olympics. Gary Busey is the voice of the ghost stone.
Checkhate – A national chess tournament is thrown into turmoil as last year’s spurned runner-up returns to get revenge on anyone who draughts a porn on a queen with a matching domino. (I’ve never played chess before btw – gotta check the rules out before I write this).
Killiards – A psycho runs about with a sharpened cue stick killing people by cutting their balls off and keeping them in his pocket.
Dart Attack – A drunk, fat twat keeps missing the board and fucking people in the eyes with darts.
Golf Harris – A madman starts impaling people with golf flags and burying them in the sand traps. He then sends the police unfinished paintings of the dead bodies with cryptic notes asking if they can tell who the victims are yet.
Back Stroke, Breast Stroke, Front Crawl, ButterDIE – A woman with large shoulders runs amok at a regional swimming gala, kidnapping competitors, tying them down and shaving all of their body hair off. Then she puts them in their pyjamas, ties a black rubber brick to their legs, throws them in the deep end and forces their friends to dive in and retrieve them against the clock. If they fail, they are all forced to eat Jaffa Cakes until they die.
Ultimate Frisbee – A class of likable students are forced to play Ultimate Frisbee for an hour.
Deadlift – Lou Ferrigno infiltrates a bodybuilding competition and overloads participants’ weights mid-lift so that they shit themselves. Jodie Marsh also stars (this is the main horror element).
Pole Vault of Horror – Some card replaces all the poles with bamboo so that they snap and hit people in the bollocks and minge.
Pole Vault of Horror 2 – The Bamboozler is back! And this time he’s also got a fucking chainsaw!
Puck Off – A demented, unkillable nutcase in a hockey mask kills loads of teenagers with a machete.