Obviously, I haven’t seen the Joe Dante Piranha or the James Cameron Piranha II: The Spawning because I’m not really into face-painting or knee plasters. However, I have seen the Alexandre Aja Piranha 3D, and I absolutely loved it. I saw it at the cinema, and I couldn’t believe I was watching a film like that on the big screen – it was absolutely chock-full of boobies and punce, coupled with an amount of gore I hadn’t seen in a while. I shook hands with my penis after for suggesting we go and see it.
So obviously I was excited for Piranha 3DD, particularly as sequels usually go down the ‘bigger is better’ route. Well, I can tell you that although unfortunately it wasn’t bigger or better, it was still a thumbing good fuck at the shit. I enjoyed it to Lidl and back.
This time around, the action centres around the opening of a new water park – one of those water parks where the lifeguards have been replaced with strippers of course – and the ensuing chaos that a bunch of mega-killer piranhas cause when they enter the park. There’s not much more of a storyline than that, other than a really half-assed romance sub-plot – nothing wrong with half-assed romance (I am an avid practitioner) but it wasn’t really needed here at all. All anyone is really interested in is seeing bare yats getting their snorkels and crotch-warriors out whilst a bunch of giant piranhas wreck havoc around them.
Luckily, this also happens. But alas, not in exactly the way I would have wanted it. I’ll get the good news out of the way first – there are lots more bouncing brunks and downstairs mounds this time around, I mean it’s positively ludicrous how much of the film is focused on naked woman. I was happy with this because as you might have heard during a game of Chinese whispers; I right like naked women. So yeah, I was like
a dog on its birthday; completely oblivious a cat licking its little pink nub – well pleased with the world and the world around me.
But here’s the bad side – it was nowhere near as gory as the first one. Sure, there were some brilliantly gross set-pieces (the willy and the last kill were inspired) but overall, and possibility due to the lower budget, it just wasn’t up to the original on the kills front. Which is a bit of a bummer particularly considering the last half an hour is basically a gigantic fishy massacre (bit like last weekend lads ennet?) – you sort of expect some stand-out gore gags. This shitted me a tad, but luckily there were some saving graces.
Namely David Hasselhoff. Now, I haven’t seen any of his movies because I found it quite hard to find them in the pile of flaming nappies in which they were hidden, but I am aware of Baywatch on a cultural level. So I got the jokes, and they were very funny. Whenever he’s onscreen, the film bumps itself up a few notches and he sends himself up like a trooper – it’s properly hilarious.
The same can’t necessarily be said for Gary Busey, the other cameo seemingly included because “Hey that’s Gary Busey! People make fun of him on the internet! If he’s there, this must be funny! I better start laughing because I recognise his face! I’ve not ever seen any of his films but that man on the internet laughed at him, so now I am! Hahahahaha! FACE RECOGNITION HAHAHAHA!”
Now of course, I have seen Gary Busey movies, but he doesn’t actually do anything too outstanding in his short screen-time here – he doesn’t really do anything that Gary Busey (THE INTERNET LEGEND LOL) would do, so his inclusion is kind of redundant. But whatever, a dead cow farts and a piranha comes out of its arse. I laughed. I am childish.
Overall, and aside from its flaws, I fucking enjoyed Piranha 3DD because it did exactly what I expect a silly film like this to do. It’s really fun and there are loads of socking bonkies to look at and they’re in 3D and everything – it’s almost like real life only you can’t get in trouble for reaching out and grabbing them and spitting and stuff.
P.s Danielle Panabaker, if you are reading this (you definitely are), I am in love with you and I would like to take you to Burger King – I will buy your chips but you’ll have to pay for the rest of your meal, I’m not a mug.
I’m gonna give it 7 18s out of 10.