The Firm (2009)

“Oi you muggy cunt, come ere an oil faackin doo your nut in you fucking lunch. Cam in ere moufin off liyk sum gobby melt, largin it the biggun, I’ll cut you you aggy div. What a si.” etc etc.

Oh and probably something about ‘ref, you’re a wanker!’ or something.

That’s basically how everyone talks in The Firm, a remake of the Gary Oldman starring The Firm (1989). So if you didn’t understand the first sentence then I’d suggest you steer clear because you’re not going to understand what’s going on. Unless you happen to watch a version with one of those sign-language people in the corner, but then all they’d really be doing is jutting their head out, doing the finger-in-a-hole sex sign and pretending to kick people in the head. That’s because that’s all that really happens in The Firm.

But that’s not to say that it isn’t good. Because it is. Really good.

Although, I’m sure this might be quite a subjective thing to say, for I’ve discovered that there are a couple of funny wankers out there that don’t like Nick Love films (The Firm is a Nick Love film, I’m not just going off on a wild tangent here, unlike my dick, which is on a pretty determined mission to elevate itself off on a very particular wild tangent this minute, I mean it’s positively not taking no for an answer, this thing means business, it’s going fucking mental, it’s got a mind of its own, and a mind that’s not afraid to show a piece of it, I’m not sure what I’m going to do to be honest. SPOSE I BETTER PUT IT IN A VAGINA I GUESS. BRB.)



Damn, definitely did go off on a wild tangent there, sorry. As I was saying, some people don’t particularly like Nick Love, which is something with which I disagree strongly. I really like him and until the other day I thought everyone else did – I was casually waxing lyrical about how much I liked The Business when someone had the audacity to say it was ‘shit’. I said my piece and put forward my argument, but it didn’t seem to sway them (did I mention there were other supporters of this incorrect opinion?).

So I shat in their washing machine and turned it on.

Hopefully they’ll realise the error of their ways.

However, this incident at least made me aware that the kind of films that Nick Love makes are clearly not for everybody – they’re a bit like Marmite, or popping Mini Milks up one’s arse whilst wanking. Therefore I’d say if you’ve seen a Nick Love film and not particularly enjoyed it, then I’d probably bet that you won’t particularly like The Firm.



It’s got all the hallmarks of a classic Love film:

  • Lots of fucking swearing.
  • Lots of head kicking in.
  • Lots of shouting.
  • Lots of football.
  • A couple of choice fronks.
  • Sweet fashion.
  • A great soundtrack.
  • Not much of a storyline.
  • No moral/conclusion.
  • It is a video game adaptation.

Shit the last one is Uwe Boll, sorry. But yeah, it’s a definite Nick Love film. In fact, if you’ve seen The Football Factory and The Business then you’ve seen The Firm because it is those two films mixed together. Almost exactly. It has the same preocupation with ’80s music and fashion that The Business has, and obviously, the same focus on football hooliganism that The Football Factory has.

It’s still bloody good though. Even if it doesn’t have Danny Dyer in it. That’s because everyone else is sodding good in it, particularly Calum MacNab and Paul Anderson as the two main characters. They’re perfect.

However, I think the real reason that The Firm is good is because of the following line:

“I should put a tampon in you.”


“Cos you’re a cunt.”

Fantastic. 8 18s out of 10.

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One Response to The Firm (2009)

  1. LEE says:

    The funniest and most entertaining review i have ever read tbh, well done fella 🙂

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