Yakuza Weapon (2011)

So I know I didn’t really like Deadball, but I thought I’d try the other film with Tak Sakaguchi directed by the same bloke. Mainly because I got it for free and the trailer was better. Free stuff is always worth using, I mean the amount of posh wanks I had after getting the free bag of condoms post STI-test…

Anyway, Yakuza Weapon is about this bloke played by Sakaguchi who is the son of some mega Yakuza boss bloke, and he goes to try and take over the other gangster families or something (I think anyway – I don’t speak Japanese). Anyway, he’s fucking hard as fuck and he gets killed to fuck and back but he fucking comes back each fucking time because as I already fucking said, he’s hard as fuck.

But somehow, he still gets killed. So obviously, some scientists bring him back to life – technology is pretty advanced in Japan, you see. Only they don’t just bring him back to life, they bring him back to life with a huge chain-gun for an arm and a rocket-launcher in his knee. So now he’s even fucking harder than fuck than he fucking was before. Fuck.

If there’s a downside, it’s that every time he shoots his gun arm or fires a rocket out of his leg, it really really sodding hurts him.  However, this does lead to hilarious scenes of him running about shooting stuff and screaming. These scenes are a bit like the scenes you may witness every time I go to the toilet. But they don’t make for a very good film.  I know this because I made that very movie (Shit Raiders: The Return of Captain Shitpants) for show and tell back in primary school but got in loads of trouble. My mates said it was wicked but I reckon they were just sucking up to me for my money and cuff-link collection.

 

 

Anyway, Tak goes on a rampage, cutting a gory swathe through all the other Yakuza families with his body-weapons, and all-in-all, it’s pretty fun stuff. It only gets even more and more mental, culminating in a completely insane scene in which the big baddy starts swinging this naked woman around, who can fire missiles out of her vagina. Now I’ve seen a couple of women fire things out of their vagina – ping pong balls, tampons, Cheesestrings – but I’ve never seen any girl fire a missile out of it. More girls should train themselves to do this.

If I can put the effort in needed to fire Tic Tacs out of my bell-end then the girls can bloody well learn how to shoot missiles out of their punce. Sheesh.

Of course, regarding Yakuza Weapon, it’s the sort of the same thing as before, insofar as if you’ve seen a lot of these mental Japanese gore films, then you won’t find too much original content here. But then again, CUNT MISSILES so quit acting all high and mighty, Mr Ebert.

I give Yakuza Weapon 6 18s out of 10.

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