I’ve always liked watching films about people going crazy (The Crazies, Dawn of the Dead, The As-Yet Untitled Film About That Time When I Heard People Say ‘Haych’ Instead of ‘Aych’ One Too Many Times And Fucking Started Flinging My Own Dung At Passers By Whilst Driving Down The High Street Listening To Carly Rae Jepsen On Full Blast And Flipping So Many Birds You Wouldn’t Believe Your Eyes). So by default, I assumed that I would like The Signal, as it is about people going crazy.
The Signal is about this funny SIGNAL that appears on everyone’s TV and sends them CRAZY. In this case, ‘crazy’ means they all start picking up weapons and killing each other. So the nice lady (she’s not that nice because she’s having an affair) who has come back home gets the shits put up her because her husband fucking merks his best mate round the chops with a baseball bat. Then her nice neighbour (who on the face of it, does actually seem nice because it doesn’t appear that she is having an affair, but you never know with these things do you? The only sure way to find out is by smelling the dick of every man you encounter to see if they smell like your girlfriend’s punce. It’s a tried and tested method that so far, has brought no results and definite sexual harassment charges, but I’m not going to give up yet.) gets fucked in the back with a sodding pair of garden shears. So the nice (not so nice) lady has to run off with her husband’s other mate to try and find out what the fuck is going on.
That’s basically the story. As it progresses, she meets up with other people, then we leave her for a bit, then we come back to her, then we leave her again and so on and so forth. What’s different about The Signal is that it’s split into three sections, each one directed by a different director. So each segment has its own separate story, style and feel, even though it contains the same characters and is connected to the other ones. If you didn’t know this, you probably wouldn’t notice it as it definitely does have a linear narrative and flows like a normal movie, but knowing extra special pieces of info like this makes watching it a bit more interesting. I like to provide my readers with pleasure-enhancing tips and facts to improve their quality of life. It’s what I do. Here are two more (unrelated to The Signal) tips that I feel I should impart to you guys:
1. If you have an erection that you need to get rid of, rub up and down on your penis and eventually it will disappear. It also feels very nice.
2. After shitting, it is a good idea to wipe your bum. If you don’t, there will be shit all over your bum.
So back to The Signal – I really liked it. As I said before, I was slightly pre-disposed to like it as it was about people going crazy, but it was also a genuinely good film. It’s quite low-budget, but it doesn’t come with the usual downsides of low-budget movies, i.e it doesn’t look cheap and the acting isn’t terrible. In fact, the acting is spot-on; I haven’t seen acting this good in an independent low-budget film for a very long time. Apart from in The As-Yet Untitled Sequel To ‘The As-Yet Untitled Film About That Time When I Heard People Say ‘Haych’ Instead of ‘Aych’ One Too Many Times And Fucking Started Hurling My Own Dung At Passers By Whilst Driving Down The High Street Listening To Carly Rae Jepsen On Full Blast And Flipping So Many Birds You Wouldn’t Believe Your Eyes’ In Which Someone Fucking Says ‘Haych’ Again Even After I’ve Told Them It’s Wrong And So I Have To Go Into My Shed To Fetch My Hedge Trimmer And Run Down The Dual Carriage-Way Waving It About And Shouting At Cars And To Further Emphasise My Point I Start To Piss Into The Rotor Blade On The Trimmer So That It Creates An Almighty Pissy Mess That Flies Everywhere And It Is At This Point I Realize That This Action In No Way Emphasises My Point But There Is A Hot Girl Looking At Me So I Must Be Doing Something Right.
I really need to come up with some snappy titles.
Anyway, fuck this shit, I’m out. 7 18s out of 10.