If you hadn’t noticed that hard lump pressing against your back by now, then I assume you won’t know that I’m pretty excited about going to Frightfest this year. I’ve got my ticket, I’ve stocked up on flavoured femidoms and I’m growing my pubes at an alarming rate. So to get myself and everyone else in the mood, I’m going to lay out my thoughts on the films showing at this year’s festival, day by day. First up, day 1. Obviously, you fuck.
The Seasoning House – This is the opening flick this year, so I guess it’s got to be a pretty good one – picking the shittest film of the festival to start the whole thing off wouldn’t be the best idea. It would be like turning up to a dinner party and doing a shit on the sofa when really you should save the public shitting until at least desert.
Either way, I’ve told you what I think about The Seasoning House already, so I’m gonna flip my little willy over to the next film.
Cockneys vs Zombies – “G’day mate, pop another prawn on the blady barbie you bugger! Oh strewth mate, there’s heaps of flamin’ zombie drongos over there! Kill ’em in the spiggin’ head with one of these cricket bats! Bonzer! Noice shot mate!” Is what someone who is really shit at cockney accents might say in a mental hospital somewhere.
I think the accents in the film will probably be a bit better though because they’re using actual cockneys sourced from the wild. I saw a preview of this at last year’s Frightfest and it looked pretty average to be honest. If it’s an 18 then obviously I’ll watch it, but if it’s anything below that then I’m going to stick a fucking jellied eel up my rectum.
Besides, I’m getting pretty bored of these wacky ‘vs’ movies, the joke’s wearing a little thin if you ask me. However, I would definitely watch Bellends vs Clitorises if they ever made that.
Grabbers – This looks fucking wicked mate. It’s about a load of people getting attacked by aliens. So far so par. However, it turns out that the aliens are allergic to alcohol so all the people have to stay pissed to stay alive. What a brilliant idea.
If this ever happens in real life I’m onto a winner. I’m pissed now – I got in from work and immediately downed a bottle of vodka by the window because I noticed a group of women walking past. I am IN THERE.
However, if this is a 15 then I’m quitting drinking.
I’ll quit sex.
I’ll quit wanking.
FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
So that’s the first three movies. I’m indifferent apart from that last one. To be honest it’s pretty hard seeing the screen with your face buried in a vagina.