So the Friday is the first day after the fluffer that is Thursday. Let’s take you through these fuck-bags:
Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut
Now I’ve seen Nightbreed before, and I thoroughly enjoyed it – it’s about a load of monsters living underground or something. I can’t quite remember the full plot, I saw it ages ago, and if I remember rightly, I was on a revolving bed full of about 35 women so I only really got the bits where I was facing the screen. Which is probably a good thing because Clive Barker (writer and director) wasn’t best pleased with the original studio cut.
So this is his own, personal cut which might not even ever make it to DVD – it’s that exclusive. I’ll try and memorize as much as possible and relay the film back to you through the medium of daubing shit all over my bedroom walls, but I can’t guarantee any sort of sense or comprehension.
Hidden in the Woods
Here’s the synopsis from the Film4 website:
A raw slice of demented energy inspired by true events, Hidden In The Woods is the terrifying story of two sisters raised in forest isolation and subjected to torment by their abusive drug dealer father. When they finally report him, he chainsaws the two investigating cops to death and is jailed before he can tell psychotic drug lord Costello the exact location of his remaining stash…
Who’s Costello? Dunno, but he’s in the synopsis. Does anyone get chainsawed to death? Yeah, it’s in the synopsis. So I guess there’s not much more to know about this anymore.
That fucking synopsis has told me all the interesting bits. Cheers synopsis, you dick. No-one even likes you.
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE. But it’s one of those found footage ones which I’m getting pretty tired of to be honest. In fact, ever since I saw my first one, it’s shitted me off why nobody just fucking throws the camera away. PUT THE CAMERA DOWN YOU ABSOLUTE MORON. THERE ARE ZOMBIES HERE. THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. STOP FILMING ME. IT’S SERIOUSLY FUCKING ANNOYING. PUT IT DOWN. YOU’VE BEEN FRAMED WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS. YOU ARE AN ARSEHOLE AND IF YOU DON’T PUT THAT CAMERA DOWN IN THE NEXT TWO SECONDS I’LL THRUST MY FIST SO FAR UP YOUR ANAL CAVITY THAT YOU’LL NEED AN ENDOSCOPE IF YOU STILL WANT TO FILM ME MAKING THE WANKER SIGN IN YOUR GUTS YOU PRICK.
But saying that, this looks awesome.
Well there you go, someone listened. Whereas [REC]3 definitely starts off down the handheld camera route, it drops that fucker at the beginning and turns into a traditionally-filmed movie. Also, it looks wicked.
Also, [REC]2 was wicked.
Also, [REC] was wicked.
Also, I lied about seeing [REC]2 – I haven’t actually seen it yet. But I’ll try to before Frightfest.
But I bet it’s wicked.
Now I do like myself a good killer clown movie. Obviously the most famous one of these is IT, which everyone keeps banging on at me to see. But I keep banging on at them with a sodding baseball bat when they do because I’m not going to watch that steamy pile of digested turd-corn even if I was the last man on Earth and the only way to get hold of any Haribo was to watch it. But Stitches, (providing you-know-what) I will watch.
It’s a standard slasher/revenge movie but the thing that makes it stand out is that Ross Noble plays the killer clown. It’s his first movie role and although I’m not the biggest fan of his stand-up, I reckon his personal brand of zany surrealism will bring a lot of good (BAD) (GOOD BAD) to the character/film.
I’ve got high hopes for this day. Both in the ‘films’ sense of the phrase, but also in the ‘fingering’ sense.