Eurocrime! The Italian Cop and Gangster Films that Ruled the 70’s
So to start off the day we’ve got a sodding documentary about a load of films I haven’t ever seen. Great.
“Hey, do you guys want to watch the movie I’ve just made about my secret collection of toenails and dried semen residue? It’s feature length! You had no idea about this and have never seen any of my collection, but now I’m going to show you glimpses of it and talk to the people that contributed to it! It may even make you want to start your own collection you well-pedicured wanker!”
Of course, it’s possible I’m being very small-minded and shallow here, but fuck, at least show a documentary about nude scenes or something. Or the bits in films where someone says ‘vagina’. Be a bit more creative here guys.
Outpost II: Black Sun
Now I thought the first Outpost was pretty fucking wicky dicky doo dah if you ask me. It was gory, scary, atmospheric and it was watched by me in bed, which is something that makes pretty much any film just that little bit better if you get ME.
Either way, this one looks good (even if I’ve got no idea what anyone in the trailer is going on about – probably something about sauerkraut or what) because those pesky zombies are back and also I think I quite fancy that girl. I don’t like the way that when she moves her mouth it doesn’t fit with what comes out, but I guess that would only be a minor problem in our relationship. I mean when I move my anus you most definitely do not expect what is going to come out, so she’s going to have to deal with that – tit for tat if you ask me.
Or TIT for SHAT in this case.
I don’t know much about this yet, but the trailer has lots of screaming in it which I guess is essential for a horror movie isn’t it? Unless you’re watching it on mute with the subtitles on because Mummy and Daddy said you weren’t allowed to stay up late past bed time but you snuck down and you’re too scared to put the headphones in because then you won’t hear them coming downstairs and have enough time to pop your willy back in your flies before the moment occurs that will cause every future family dinner to become unbearably awkward and will eventually lead to the slow decline of the relationship between you and your parents.
Luckily I’ll be watching it in a cinema full of like-minded individuals so they won’t care if I’m wanking or not.
Also, the film that the Manetti Bros. directed before this one was called L’Arrivo Di Wang, which I can only assume means The Arrival Of My Wang, which is actually a film that I have made already and is very good. Not sure about their one but I’m gonna have to sue for copyright infringement.
Under The Bed
So, hiding under my female friend’s bed the other day and shouting “Grrrrr, I’m a monster and I’m going to eat you!” whilst she was getting changed didn’t turn out to be as funny as I had envisioned which was a bit of a bummer. I’m not ever allowed around for dinner anymore. But they can’t stop me watching them have dinner from the tree outside whilst I eat a live chicken can they? So technically we’re still having dinner together aren’t we? Hahahahaha I love having dinner with her! Did I mention she was my GIRLFRIEND? Hahahahahaha she loves me and I love her hahahahaha YUM YUM YUM YUM I love you I LOVE YOU KISSY KISSY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAI’MAFUCKINGMONSTERHAHA
This one I’m actually quite excited about. It’s a modern Giallo (which is Italian for ‘piss’) which I’ve got to admit isn’t my favourite genre, but I’ve got to admit that this one sounds good. Another thing I’ve got to admit is that I have shat myself as a grown up before. Do not hold this against me.
Anyway, Tulpa is about this businesswoman who frequents this sordid and seedy sex club. So far, so ‘quickly pop this naughty little pink plug up your bum’. But then things go a bit shit because the people she is shagging start getting merked and because she doesn’t want everyone to know that she likes to do deviant things like paint faces on men’s’ dicks and talk to them before eating them with her vagina, she decides to investigate it herself.
Anything to do with sex-clubs is up my street.
Which is ironic because there aren’t any sex-clubs up my actual street.
Apart from my flat, but then that’s so exclusive you’ve got to be personally invited by yours truly – it’s fucking hard to get it. Sometimes I’m not even allowed in. The bouncer is a right cunt sometimes.
The bouncer is me.
I’ve already told you about this one here. I still haven’t seen the original Maniac but I am going to order it before this year’s festival.
Also, America Olivo is in it, and she got her fronks out in Friday the 13th, and was also one of the hot girls in Bitch Slap, so I’d just put a sock in it mister.
I think this could be in the running for one of the best days – it doesn’t look like there will be any 15s (apart from the ‘cock’umentary) and also (fingers crossed) my intestinal body-clock will hopefully have adjusted and I won’t need to hold in any poos throughout the day. I am not going in the cinema toilets – the amount of shit that is deposited in those bad-boys is mind-blowing. I’m strictly a middle-of-Leicester-Square-screaming kind of man myself.