STOP WANKING, IT’S TIME TO READ ABOUT DAY 4:
This is a sequel to The Hamiltons, which I haven’t actually seen because I thought it looked shit. I don’t watch things that I think look shit. Like that girl in that club last weekend – she looked shit so I didn’t even look at her when she came over.
Wow, that was really sexist. Erm, I’ve got a really small willy and am prone to premature ejaculation. That should offset the balance – I’m all about equal opportunities.
Anyway, The Thompsons follows some vampires who move to England to eat people. I assume so anyway, that’s what I gleaned from the trailer – I haven’t even read a synopsis because I’m a bit restless tonight to be honest. Basically, I’ll let you into a little secret, I went round a girl’s house last night and dropped a solid chod in her bog and it wouldn’t flush. I think I blocked the u-bend. I ran out shouting something about ‘spreadsheets’ and didn’t look back. I’ve been worrying about it ever since. I doubt she’s going to let me have sex with her now.
So yeah, whatever, this looks a bit boring to be honest.
Shorts and Quiz
Sometimes there are some real gems in the short film showcase, but there are always a few that wouldn’t look out of place sat with my cock/toilet-blocking turd. Still, I think it’s worth it to give them a shot, there are often some absolute gems to be discovered. I’ll see how I feel on the day, you never know, I might have bagged myself a hottie and obviously she’ll be wanting to see what my penis looks like and knowing my luck her eyes will be located in her vagina.
Then there’s the quiz which I always kid myself into thinking I’ll win. I’ve got no chance – if I want to live the life of an international playboy, what with the constant rutting and champagne-strawpedoing then I’ve just not got the time to be faffing around revising for stupid quizzes.
The only thing I revise for is finding out what bands girls like by bugging their flat and listening to the recordings so that I can really impress them with my in-depth knowledge of The Lost Prophets or Nick Grimshaw or whatever the fuck it is that girls listen to nowadays. Why can’t everyone just listen to happy hardcore all day long like me?
I’m not really sure what this is about but Luis Tosar from the excellent Cell 211 is in it so that’s a good start. It looks like it’s about some bloke that stalks and/or kills women in their sleep, which I guess is a good horror movie premise. But then I guess anything to do with killing is a good horror movie premise. ‘A man works in a supermarket and kills people’ ‘A man reads books and is a very good cook and kills people’ ‘A women is a very successful lawyer and also a rather fantastic singer and kills people’ ‘A man is extremely outgoing, good looking, fashionable, well-hung, stacked, has a flawless haircut, shags countless women, is extremely proficient in a number of sports, is unbeatable in the ring, is a role-model to his peers, is stinking rich, has unending stamina and kills people’.
The last one has nothing to do with me by the way.
Berberian Sound Studio
Erm, this is about a sound engineer. Quality idea for a protagonist there. Either way, the synopsis says something about witchcraft so hopefully there’ll be a hot witch with her frondies out or something.
Apart from that I’m finding it hard to drum up much excitement for this one.
Fucking sound engineer.
At least make him a sound engineer/luchador or something. Sheesh.
This is guaranteed to be a fucking 15. It’s one of those ghost ones so you know nobody’s gonna get their guts ripped out through their bell-end or anything. Think I’ll give this one a miss. Besides, by this point in the festival I’ll probably have amassed quite the female following and all the rabid women will be wanting to know what all the fuss is about.
Well if they follow the trail of pre-cum to the loos they’ll find out!
I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty bored of these Japanese gore films now. Back when I first saw Tokyo Gore Police I thought they were fantastic and unlike anything that had come before them, but now there have been so many that I’m tired of seeing guns come out of tits and people shooting missiles out of their arses.
This one looks even shitter though – in fact it looks unbearably unfunny. Killer sushi. Brilliant.
Only, NOT brilliant. SHIT.
I reckon this is going to be the worst day to be honest. I’m not excited about any of these. I guess I’m just going to have to spend my time hanging upside down in the female cubicles while girls do chin-ups off my knob. The more chin-ups you can do, the less times I will shout ‘Pikachu! I choose you!’ during sex.
It’s a serious mood killer.