1) For the endless stream of women knocking on my front door to cease FOR ONCE, I need some shut eye guys, just leave me alone.
2) For my penis to be able to produce Cadbury’s creme eggs without causing pain and/or irreparable damage to my glans.
3) For Van Damme, Lundgren and Adkins to star in a film together.
Well, number one hasn’t happened yet, and neither has number two (got high hopes for it though) but guess what? Number three has fucking happened!
UNFORTUNATELY THAT BARREL OF DRIPPING SHIT WAS THE EXPENDABLES 2 WHICH I CANNOT WATCH BECAUSE IT’S A DROOPING 15.
This wound me up more than say, if a scientist invited me into his laboratory, put me under general anaesthetic and performed a mystery procedure on me. Then when I awoke, he said, “Go on then, try it out, what are you waiting for?” And I said, “Try what out? This was a mystery procedure remember?” And he just nodded towards my willy and smiled, and I realised what he had done and pulled my trousers down, tensed my pelvic floor muscles and began forcing a Cadbury’s creme egg out of my bell-end but as it was half-way out I glanced up at the scientist and he pulled off his face and underneath was the president of the BBFC and he started laughing and then I glanced back down towards my privates and the creme egg was causing pain and/or irreparable damage to my glans.
LUCKILY THOUGH I needn’t have put that horrible thought in your heads because someone else (John Hyams) has made another film with all of them in! It’s called Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning and it’s just produced one of the quickest erections the world has ever seen.
Here’s a trailer:
Stick that down your throat and suck it. How good does that look?
I’ve seen all three Universal Soldier films (not counting the non-Van-Damme ones because they’re not 18s) and I like them all. The last one (Regeneration) was actually surprisingly good, and so I assume this will be as good, if not better (better). I’m pretty damn excited, particularly because ALL OF THEM ARE 18s so hopefully this one will be too.
Anyway, I’m gonna have to love you and leave you for now, I’ve got an appointment with some surgeon called Dr Einstein McLegit or something, he wants me to come in to talk about my ‘egg suitability’ whatever that means.