Sorry I’ve been so lax with my Frightfest reviews, it’s just I’ve been pretty fucking busy since the last update – shag count: 5, wank count: 10, poo count: 17, pint count: 38, fellatio count: 0, cunnilingus count: 95 – you know the drill. Anyway, let’s carry on with this shit:
So, I woke up immediately and went to the toilet to tense all the muscles in my neck in a vain attempt to force a shit out of my blocked arsehole. This didn’t sodding happen so I reluctantly pulled up my trousers and headed out to Leicester Square, seriously worried about where I was going to have to drop this chod when it inevitably tapped me on the shoulder later and said “YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES BEFORE YOU SHIT YOURSELF, FIND A BOG NOW YOU LITTLE PRICK.”
But first up it was Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut which is a new cut of Nightbreed, obviously. This one is fucking massively longer and the extra bits are sourced from some old video tapes that were found up some dead bloke’s arse or something, so they look like shit.
This was long, blud. I’ve seen the oridge, and I really liked it, couldn’t see anything wrong with it in fact. I didn’t come away thinking “Needed more characterisation, that.” No, I came away thinking “If I don’t get a Pepperami down my selfish, greedy hole in the next five minutes I’m going to faceplant.”
So making it longer didn’t make it better for me unfortunately. I fell asleep too, so what? I was knackered. And you can’t shit when you’re asleep so I thought that would minimise my chances of soiling myself in front of loads of people.
I’d stick with the original if I were you. But then I’m not you, because your dick is TINY mate.
Anyway, after that it was off for another double espresso and a packet of Haribo and a nice sandwich and a bottle of water and some chewing gum and a brief spot of rutting round the back of the bike sheds. OH AND the Frightfest goody bag!
Sorry, I mean the Frightfest BADdy bag. It was shit this year. Only one DVD? ONLY ONE DVD? AND TWO BOOKS? I don’t read books. I’m not fat, gay, lesbian, a cat or clever so obviously I’m not going to read any books. Still, at least the paper will come in handy when I blatantly have to shit down an alleyway somewhere later.
Oh and also, the cool-looking [REC]3 bottle opener does not open bottles – anyone else have this problem? I mean obviously I open bottles with my fantastic biceps but you know, others can’t do that and shit.
Any fuck, it was the Total Film icon interview with Dario Argento next, which I was going to skip but didn’t (shit story no. 384). It was quite an interesting interview, but it probably would have been better had I seen more Dario Argento films – think I’ve only seen about three. Well, the DVD in the goody bag was Tenebrae so definitely gonna check that bitch out.
After the interview it was time for another coffee and another swift session of worrying about where the hell my poo was (I found a nice toilet and strained big time, but nada) before heading back into the Empire to watch Hidden in the Woods.
Let’s cut to the chase – this was shit. It started ok, but it went so mental and stupid and implausible that my mind started to drift and I started thinking about bogeys and trains and that. It’s about these two girls and their disabled brother who go and live in the woods and shag blokes for money and then eat people too for a reason that most certainly escaped me.
Yeah I’d give this one a miss
if I were you. But then I’m not you, because your anus is LOOSE.
So after two disappointments, I wasn’t exactly too happy with myself. I wandered about a bit during the break but luckily I managed to score a quick wristy in Burger King off a hot woman who kept calling me ‘Mr Shit Head’ but whatever. Next up was V/H/S – my most anticipated of the whole festival.
V/H/S is a portmanteau movie made up of about 6 found-footage style segments. Apart from one, they’re ALL GOOD, particularly the first one – that blew the pubes right off my bell-end I mean bollocks I don’t have a hairy bell-end trust.
V/H/S is gory, funny and most importantly, fucking scary. There are some properly brown-trouser fright gags in this one, and I lapped it up with relish. It went down massively well with the rest of the crowd too, and for good reason. I heard one bloke outside say that it was rubbish so I pulled his pants down in front of everyone and they all saw his massive bush and thin willy. It was well funny.
So I was back on a high with this one and I celebrated by getting a double espresso (this is not recommended. I was fucked. But it’s the only way I know to stay awake.) and another pack of sweety weeties. Next up was [REC]3 which I was quite looking forward to isn’t it?
Didn’t watch it though because I’d already been sent it on DVD, so I put my leotard on and sprinted to the nearest sex-club for an ace bout of studding.
I’ve watched it since. It’s wicked.
To round off the day was Stitches, with Ross Noble.
Ross turned up to do a quick bit of stand-up which was quite funny, and then they got the film started. In short, I LIKED IT. It’s not the most well-made film, but it’s got so much inventive gore that every other qualm falls by the wayside – the film exists solely for the ingenious kills (and Noble’s fantastic bad guy).
Also, there is one tit in the film so I was happy.
So that was tings get me. Only two good films but at least they were all 18s. Luckily the last two were the best ones so I went home with a smile on my gooch.
I’d completely forgotten I hadn’t had a shit all day.