WELL GUESS WHAT I’D HAD A SHIT AND THAT WAS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED WASN’T IT AND IT WAS ALL SO FUCKING LONG AGO NOW THAT I DOUBT ANY OF YOU CARE AND I’M NOT SURE IF I EVEN DO NOW AND BESIDES I’VE SEEN SOME WICKED 18S RECENTLY LIKE DREDD, KILLER JOE AND WRONG TURN 4 THAT I’D QUITE LIKE TO REVIEW OK WRONG TURN 4 WAS SHIT BUT STILL I’D RATHER REVIEW THAT THAN BUGGER ON ABOUT A FILM FESTIVAL THAT ENDED OVER A MONTH AGO AND ALSO I’VE JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR THE FRIGHTFEST ALL-NIGHTER IN OCTOBER AND THAT’S ALL ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT NOW ANYWAY SO I’M GONNA GET THIS OVER WITH QUICKLY SO I CAN GET ONTO THE JUICY STUFF INNIT OH AND DID I MENTION I’D DONE THAT SHIT THAT I WAS HARPING ON ABOUT?
Let’s do this sharpish:
American Mary – So good I’d happily get a tattoo of Katherine Isabelle on my penis so that every time I got an erection it looked like she was staring at me. Actually fuck it, that sounds terrifying. But yeah, American Mary was extremely good and I highly recommend it.
After – Popped a couple of gobstoppers up my bum instead of watching this trash.
Chained – More rape and depression – not my idea of a good time. Admittedly it did pick up towards the end, well at least until the very end, anyway. That twist was pretty shit if you ask me. And you are asking me aren’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. Wanna know anything else while you’re here? Oh, sorry, I can’t help you with that. I’d go and see your doctor about it. All I’ve got here in my notes is ‘Disgusting bell-end’ – I think you probably want more info than that.
The Possession – Wrapped a fruit roll-up around my thrute and spent an hour and a half trying to suck it off. I failed in this endeavour.
Tower Block – Now if you follow me on Twitter (legend) then you may have noticed that I twat a reaction after seeing this film. Well, turns out it’s a turding 15, so ignore that bollocks. Also don’t worry, as punishment I didn’t allow myself to eat any Skittles for a whole day. You can only imagine the private hell I went through. I do it for you guys.
Anyway, that was Frightfest 2012.
[Don’t forget to insert closing anecdote about diarrhoea or something here you repetitive cunt]