Guess fucking what? I ain’t seen that Stallone pile of stained arse-wipes Judge Dredd because I am not the kind of person that enjoys thrusting tampons up my nose and smashing my head on the desk. So obevihouslee I was well excited when I found out there was going to be an 18 version movie made of a character of which I am quite fond. I positively squatted over a mirror and shat I mean I didn’t do that that would be weird.*
Basically, Dredd is what Judge Dredd should have been – relentless, grimy, breakneck, and shafting violent. It’s basically a stripped down, old-school sci-fi action movie. You know, like one of those ’80s or ’90s ones set in the future, like Bronx Warriors or American Cyborg or The Running Man or some other wicked shit.
There’s no bollocks, no pretense, no ‘story’ – it’s just a hulk with a gay helmet smashing the shunting fuck out of loads and loads of dispensable henchmen with guns, fists, rocket launchers, bombs, boots and fire. It’s awesome.
I guess I’ll have to address the The Raid comparisons first off, because Dredd is very much like The Raid – it’s a couple of good guys going into a tower block full of bad guys and merking their way up to the top where the baddest bad guy is and finally killing them. That’s not a spoiler, idiot – of course Dredd is not going to die at the end – there is exactly zero points where you may fear for his safety. He is a hard shit-head and nobody stands a fisting chance against him. Don’t even think about even thinking about putting the thought in your head that you may even think that someone would have a chance of killing him.
If you do, well I’ve got one word for you –
‘CUNT’ ‘FRANCHISE’ – of course he’s not going to die you plum.
So anyway, back to The Raid – well, unfortunately, Dredd is not quite as good as The Raid, but then The Raid blew my screaming bollocks off so far that they went the whole way around the world and hit me back in the groin so hard that the force pushed my dick back into my arse and created a temporary vagina. Don’t worry though, I’m all fixed now. Although I did shove a gherkin up there to see what it felt like. Pretty painful actually, dunno how you girls do it. Especially when I’m involved.
Also, Dredd was in production before The Raid came out, so we’re not going to be throwing around any plagiarism accusations – it’s just a bit of a coincidence. Big sodding newsflash. Who gives?
It wouldn’t matter even if it was a sneaky rip-off (most action films are a rip-off of something anyway), because Dredd‘s got other nifty original ideas up its blood-soaked sleeve. The main one being the ‘Slo-Mo’ effect. Basically, there’s this new naughty drug going about which makes you feel as though time is passing at a fraction of normal speed (I could do with some of this to make my 2 minute sex-sessions a bit more worthwhile). So every time anyone takes it, the film slows down to fucking slow level and luckily, this usually happens just as Dredd is about to kick down the door and blast the prolapsing shit out of every frotting bastard in the room.
So whenever anybody gets blasted by one of Dredd’s bullets, tings get crazy up in dere, with blood and guts and shit floating about in super slow-motion and it looks, well, beautiful, I guess. It also gives you more time to wank over all the guns.
So yeah, fuck all the other bollocks in the cinema and shit, Dredd was ACE. I would end on a ‘dredd’ pun but I’m not a shit-eating sod-flap so I won’t.
Also, the best one I could think of was ‘Dredd certainly gave me dredd!’.
But unless you’re inside my head then that will make no sense to you.
Also, that particular blowjob joke can be taken the wrong way as the title of the film is also the name of the main male character.
I give Dredd 9 18s out of 10.
* I did do that.