Cinema’s Greatest Twats: A List (Of Them)

I am a twat, hopefully, you are a twat. If this is the case, then chances are, you will like other twats, like me. So to celebrate this shared twatness, I’ve compiled a list of the greatest twats the movie world has to offer.

I actually thought this was a good idea for a feature.

I actually thought this.

Anyway, here we go:

Derrick Jones from Piranha 3D

This guy is what Americans call a douchebag. He is what I call a twat. The main reason being he gets to hang around with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele all day. And THEN film them naked. So he gets to see their flobadobs and minges.

Absolute jam-bag.

Randy Meeks from Scream

Now I’m the first one to hurl a freshly-squeezed nugget of dung at anybody spouting incorrect film knowledge, and have even been known to interrupt the conversations of strangers in order to correct or enlighten their misguided filmic discussions. But that’s me, and I’m a legend. I don’t want anybody else trying to rain on my fucking parade of turds, and if they try, I immediately dislike them.

So I immediately disliked Randy ‘I’m a shafting know-it-all’ Meeks when he popped up in Scream and started erupting his clever-clogs chirping all over the screen and my screaming face. There’s not enough space in this town for the both of us, Randy.

Because of the size of my dick. That as well innit. Factor THAT in, Meeks.

Danny from The Shining

Boo hoo hoo, feel sorry for poor old Danny – he’s all on his own up in an empty hotel with no mates to play with apart from two terrifying dead twins, he hasn’t got a Playstation 3 and his Dad is a jittering nutcase who is trying to kill him with a bastarding axe.

OH NO WAIT DON’T because he’s just drawn all over the walls with a red crayon and he’s scaring the cocks out of everyone in the middle of the night by croaking the name of a missing racehorse for no stonking reason. Yeah, sounds like a bit of a twat if you ask me.

If he did have a Playstation 3 it’d be going out the fucking window once I got my hands on it. Ungrateful little quince.

Pearl from Blade

Blade is the opposite of a twat. He is, much like me, a stone-cold legend with a hench dick that romances punce on the regs – he’s the big dick on campus. However, in his first outing, he comes into contact with one of the biggest (literally) twats I’ve ever encountered – a hunk of frump called Pearl.

I’m not really sure what Pearl is, or does, but I do know that it (he? she?) is fucking annoying – it’s basically a really really fat lump of shit that sits in a bath and watches TV whilst presumably flicking its clit-bell and making squealing noises.

And make these squealing noises it does, once Blade comes along and starts burning it to shit and back with a UV light. But this is a double-edged torch, because although the huge prick is getting punked, the act of punking is also causing it to make a sound that would crack even the staunchest of boners. It’ll make your brain puke your eyes out of your nose.

The second to last guy that Bryan Mills kills from Taken

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a smarmy wankstain as this curly-haired knobhead. Not only is he one of the slimy sex-traffickers, but also, just when you think Mills is gonna save his daughter, he pops up and starts trying to shank him with a sodding knife.

I don’t know how he’s such a good fighter compared to the rest of the twats on the boat, but I guess you need a big cumshot fight at the end don’t you? Still, Mills is harder than my gooch, so boat-man doesn’t prove too much of a problem because he ends up getting motherfucking pranged by a broken bottle in the chest and shit. Gutted.

Billy Darley from Death Sentence

For a good revenge film to work, you need a horrible thing to happen to someone nice at the beginning (check), and you need an absolute gash to help do it (CHECK). Darley is such a smug, up-himself tosser that he gets one of his gang members to murder Kevin Bacon’s son and then he doesn’t even give a shit about it. Then he manages to get off scot-free – he even laughs about it. What a jerkout.

But unlucky Billy, Kevin Bacon’s going to shave all his hair off (terrible job, should’ve gone to the hairdressers) and come after you with a shunting shotgun. The good thing about this is that everything bad that happens to Billy is entirely justified and you can’t wait for it to happen.

Only thing that was missing was putting something up his bum and posting a picture of it on Facebook. That would have been well funny.

Tong Po from Kickboxer

Wow, here’s a grade-A sack of masturbate – what a flaming flange-packet. Tong Po is basically the campest lunatic to ever paralyse one of Van Damme’s mates. We’ll ignore the fact that we’ve got a Moroccan guy playing a Thai character with eye make-up (SUBTLE) and focus instead on the character, who is an absolute fuck.

Basically, he decks Van Damme’s mate and then carries on taking things too far in the ring (tell me about it) by merking anyone who comes into contact with him. Of course, Van Damme does what he does best and lamps him into the Sun at the end, but up until then, he’s a proper frot-bag. He also carries on being a twat in the sequels too, not even Van Damme could change his ways.

Although without Tong Po, we’d never have the best end fight of any movie ever and of course, the best end fight music of all time, which I have included below. I didn’t include the actual final fight video here because watching it without the build up of the film ruins almost every single person’s life on the whole planet.

‘Killer Joe’ Cooper from Killer Joe

So he kills people for money – already a twat, but when Emilie Hirsch and his Dad don’t have enough money, he takes their daughter instead. Ok, fair enough, if it wasn’t for that then we wouldn’t get to see Juno Temple naked, but apart from that, what a twat.

And although Hirsch’s Mum is most definitely also a massive twat, what Joe makes her do at the end is pretty twattish I think you’ll agree. If you don’t know what she does, then let’s just say you’ll never suck off a chicken drumstick like it’s a moulting dick the same way again.

Norman Stansfield from Leon

What a sweaty, vibrating, OTT twat. Not only does he go and kill Natalie Portman’s entire family like a gigantic vagina, but then he also goes and does that horrible thing at the end which I won’t spoil if you haven’t seen it yet. This is one of the first films I remember crying at – Norman Stansfield is so much of a twat he made me cry.

Don’t worry though, I immediately downed a protein shake and headbutted the mirror 38 times before slamming my penis in the bathroom door – I’m not a fucking pussy.

Bennett from Commando

Anybody who wears a chain mail vest has got to be a twat.

Stupid voice too.

Richie from Out For Justice

Anybody that makes Steven Seagal this angry:

must be a right old twat.

Richie is most definitely a right old twat.

Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs

Hey, I know what to do with my dick, I’m gonna put it in between my legs to cause a makeshift vagina at the front and a herniated almighty mess of prolapsed haggis at the back. I’m gonna do this and then I’m gonna dance around my bedroom to a weird song. I might even keep some girls prisoner down a well and refer to them as ‘it’. Might even wear their skin. Yeah, I’m gonna do that. But why am I going to do that?

Oh yeah because I’M A FUCKING TWAT.

Pinhead from the Hellraiser series

Yeah mate, you look really cool mate, yeah nice one mate, those things in your face make you look ace, yeah proper good mate, yeah nice leather, YEAH WICKED LEATHER, yeah, your style is proper sweet mate, sweet nipples there man, yeah you look really cool mate, you look nothing like a twat, nothing.

One of cinema’s most enduring twats, Pinhead struts about the shop looking like a cross-dressing S&M model who slipped on some jizz and face-planted a toolbox. What makes him worse is that he reckons he can ponce about like this because if you cuss him, he’ll just summon a load of hooks on chains and fuck your guts out with them. What a prince.

Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare On Elm Street series

Krueger’s been bandying about his twattish dick almost as much as Pinhead, only he’s even more of a smarmy twat. This is because he hasn’t even got the guts to face you when you’re awake, he waits until you’re asleep so that he can use his arsenal of fear-tactics to make you shit yourself before ramming your spine out of your arse with his glove.

I’d have no chance – all he’d need would be an army of people saying ‘haych’ instead of ‘aych’, a constantly crashing laptop, a man going through all of my DVDs and running a key across them, a woman who isn’t laughing at any of my jokes, a giant condom and a fucking moth circling my head and I’d flop a torrent of terror-turds into the floor so fast and so hard that a geyser of shit would suddenly appear in Australia so big it would cause a national emergency.

Nomi Malone’s Vagina from Showgirls

And so it comes to the greatest twat ever to grace a cinema screen – Nomi Malone’s ace punce from Showgirls. It’s a legendary beast and provides one of the most realistic portrayals of a greasy pruce that has ever been committed to celluloid.

It forms the labial crux of the movie, and without its winged and embroidered curtinalia, the film would most certainly be a failure – it preens and squoozes its way through the movie like a frupple chute of thrundian gusset and enthusiastically squirts a frothing stream of cervical wup-lube over every scene it’s in.

Never before have I seen such a magnificent and majestic flut as this, and I can safely say with the utmost conviction, that no flopadaisical and flubbery flange shall ever out-perform the stunning splitoral arse-vulvitude that is displayed by this most grungy and quimble of whorecestral swipes.



If you play your cards right, you could end up on a list like this one day.


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