Firstly, let’s get this out the way first – Tae Bo can suck a dick.
Another thing we need to get out of the way before I begin – I have never seen a Billy Blanks film that I haven’t enjoyed. Ok? Yeah? Happy with that? That’s what you’re dealing with here – I’m that guy.
So when me and a friend were walking about HMV farting and scoping out the honeys (result: the horror section stank of shit and there wasn’t a great deal of hot women in HMV) and I stumbled upon Hidden Tiger starring Big B, I was positively elated. It was also in the second-hand section so that meant it was 2 fucking quid – what a bargain eh? Now normally I’m a bit averse to second-hand DVDs because you don’t know what peado or person-that-likes-to-store-shits-inside-DVD-cases could have had it in their house before, but I thought I’d make an exception for Mr Blanks.
SO I BOUGHT IT AND WATCHED IT (there were no shits inside the case luckily).
Basically, Hidden Tiger is about this bloke who runs a martial arts school who enters this dodgy fighting tournament to beat the guy that killed one of his students (FUCKING STUPID INEXPLICABLE SPOILER ALERT – the kid is not dead, he turns up at the end. Incorrect, this is not plausible) which at the end he obviously does (Oh shit another SPOILER ALERT there).
I LOVE these kinds of movies – ’80s and ’90s set martial arts tournament/revenge films with stupid fashion and CUNT-AWESOME soundtracks. I even said this out loud as the film started – I said “I fucking love this shit” and then the yat that was in bed with me said “Same here” and I said “I know you’re lying but I appreciate the sentiment.”
Anyway, Hidden Tiger is exactly like all the rest of these movies – Kickboxer, Bloodsport, King Of The Kickboxers, Bloodfist etc and therefore it is very very good indeed. It follows the standard template of the genre to a T:
- Introduction to main character and demonstration of martial prowess
- Introduction of secondary character who is going to go and fuck everything up by dying or something
- Introduction of bad guy – usually by way of him fucking some prick’s neck off or spitting in a woman’s face
- Quick demonstration of main character’s niceness – Oh look he cares about the community, oh look he’s giving to charity etc
- SILLY IDIOT GET KILL
- Solution to this problem is clearly to get revenge
- Revenge quite possibly involves winning against bad guy in underground fighting competition
- Introduction of wise sensei – usually an old Asian man. Actually always an old Asian man.
- First fight wherein main character must lose – I WONDER HOW HE’S GOING TO GET REVENGE IF HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO EVEN BEAT THE FIRST FIGHTER
- Wicked montage (set to MINTY JUICE music) of completely ludicrous and pointless training techniques that will help nobody when it comes to kicking someone’s head in
- Next fight and subsequent win.
- MORE FIGHTING
- Final fight, sometimes preceded by a final act of twattishness by the bad guy – maybe killing one last opponent whilst growling or nicking a kid’s Haribo and flushing it down the bog or summat
- Main character wins
- OH THAT KID IS ACTUALLY ALIVE THAT’S DUMB ISN’T IT
Weirdly, there’s no love interest (not that I remember anyway) which I can only assume is down to the fact that no woman could ever handle the masculinity of Billy Blanks without her clitoris swelling to the size of a medicine ball and engulfing her whole body before exploding in a shower of estrogen so potent that any man within a ten mile radius would immediately grow breasts and be dragged to the nearest HMV by their newly formed and desperately clawing vulva before swallowing a copy of The Notebook into their rapidly growing and protruding vacuum-like fallopian tubes.
So yeah, watch Hidden Tiger because if you don’t and then you have the gumption to invite me to your next birthday party, this is exactly what I’ll say:
I give it 7 18s out of 10