So I tweeted a picture the other day of a gotdam bargain I picked up last week
**WE INTERUPPT THIS BLOG POST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE**
OH, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER EH? WELL NOT ONLY ARE YOU A THICK-SET CHUNK OF SHIT BUT YOU’RE ALSO MISSING OUT ON DAILY HILARITY OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY. I MEAN THIS IS REAL GOOD SHIT – JUST LOOK AT THIS:
THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON.
**END OF INTERUPPTION**
and if you saw it, you’ll have noticed that one of the flicks I picked up was The Howling VI: The Freaks which I managed to ponce for gotdam two quid. I mean, gotdam. The second-hand section in HMV is an absolute gotsend – you can pick up some mint bargains in there and every time I pop in, there’s always loads more new shit to feast my gotdam dick on. GOTDAM.
So the other day, me and my friend were in there perusing the norks and farting like childish idiots (much like last time, only this time the farts proper grimmed – I’m surprised nobody fainted) and I stumbled upon this shitter. I’ve only seen the first Howling and blow me (BLOW ME) I thought it was ace. So fuck it, I did a bit of maths with my cute new Casio calculator wristwatch and deduced that I’d therefore like The Howling VI. I’d also done myself a bit of research beforehand and knew that the sequels in the series eventually became pretty much stand-alone adventures far removed from the original, so it didn’t matter too much that
my prick was hanging out of my flies when I went up to the cashier I hadn’t seen the other ones.
So, onto The Howling VI – well it’s about this British chap who wanders into this American town for some reason – can’t quite remember why, probs hunting poon or attending a Wankers Anonymous meeting. While there, he falls in love with this peng yat who is the daughter of the guy he’s living with (awkward) and also encounters this weird freakshow that’s currently set up shop at the local circus. OH AND WHOOPS HE’S ALSO A SFHUICTKTING* WEREWOLF.
This dodgy freakshow is run by the even dodgier Bruce Payne (who should definitely be in more stuff btw) and comprises a bunch of weird and wonderful characters – the lizard man, a bloke who eats live chickens, a cackling dwarf and a funky half-woman-half-man sort. It’s a handy way of not having to write exciting character dialogue or backstory because they’re interesting by default – shrewd move filmmakers, I like it.
I ran a freakshow once – it was called DOCTOR FUCKFACE’S WORLD OF SHIT AND PISS and was basically me in my garage playing the part of the three freaks who formed the main attraction: The Man With The Metre-Long Penis, The Man With The Metre and a Half-Long Penis and The Man With The Huge Penis. I didn’t make much money until I introduced a fourth freak played by me – The Man With The 2-cm Penis.
Anyway, I digress – back to the film. Well, to cut a long blog short about a film I doubt any of you will ever watch, I liked it. I like movies about monsters and werewolves and vampires (spoiler?) and that, and so I liked this. If there was anything wrong with it, I’d say it was the lack of gore. Not enough people got merked big-style. I dare say if it was resubmitted to the BBFC they may even drop it a rating – but as it stands it has that beautiful red prolapse of ultimate joy and beauty in the corner of the DVD so I’ll say I liked it.
Overall, The Howling VI: The Freaks was worth watching for fans of silly ’80s and ’90s werewolf movies and as The Man With The 2-cm Penis would say – “Step up step up, come and look at my dick you twats!”
6 18s out of 10.
*That’s a mixture of “SHITTING” and “FUCKING” in case you were wondering.