The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2013

So I was having a shit the other day and I got wind (I GOT WIND) of news that the Oscar nominations had been announced and to cut a long story short, this did not disrupt my shit in any way shape or form and I carried on as normal and afterwards went about my day as if nothing noteworthy had happened.

THIS IS BECAUSE I AM NOT FUCKING BOTHERED ABOUT THE SODDING OSCAR NOMINATIONS.

However, I run a movie website so as it’s been in the past, it’s up to me to keep abreast (KEEP A BREAST) of everything that’s happening in the movie world. So I guess I’ll have to go ahead and fucking list the nominations and tell them all to fuck off and die etc.

 

Brace yourselves for a torrent of shit

Best Picture

  • Amour – Oh great, a French 12A. Sweet, cool, wicked. I haven’t even bothered looking into what this is about – I ain’t gonna read no subtitles unless they’re accompanied with people getting their livers ripped out their arses or bare peng yats flopping out their socking woombas and granting neat purchase to their naughty punces.
  • Argo – Ben Affleck has made a career of avoiding 18s so he’s not going to win me over with this shit. Put an ‘F’ at the front of it and I’ll watch it, but as it is, you can shove this movie up your arse as ‘ar’ as it will ‘go’.
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild – This is another crap-pile I haven’t even bothered researching, I looked at the poster (and the certificate) and realised I’d be much better off downing a packed Burrito than wasting time mulling over some made-for-CITV movie.
  • Django Unchained – Here we go, this is more fucking like it. Granted, Tarantino has let me down in the past (Kill Bill 1&2, Death Proof) but he’s also blown my tits through the moon (Pulp Fiction) so I’m holding out for this one. It’s a fucking 18 and it’s a revenge movie – OH HELLO MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
  • Les Misérables – In case you didn’t know, musicals are LITCH the worst movie-genre. If I wanted to watch a load of jumped-up sods singing about bollocks I’d watch one of the webcam videos of me and one of my many girlfriends in the shower – at least there are sex scenes in them.
  • Life of Pi – If you think I give a shit that they made a Hollywood film based on the Owl and the Pussycat then you’ve got another thing coming.
  • Lincoln – Spielberg – the greatest director alive? How many good films has he actually directed sorry? OH CORRECT NONE. The only thing you could do to make this worth watching would be to have him fighting vampires or summat. But I bet even then it would be shit.
  • Silver Linings Playbook – Silver Linings GAYbook more like.
  • Zero Dark Thirty – Oh how the mighty have fallen – Kathryn Bigelow made a barnstorming shag-wank of a movie in the form of Near Dark in the ’80s, but now she’s resorted to making silly gung-ho kids movies about Power Rangers or whatever they are. What a shame.
I'm sure there's a joke about explosive farts in here somewhere

I’m sure there’s a joke about explosive farts in here somewhere

Actor in a Leading Role

  • Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook Why Bradley Cooper never got nominated for The Midnight Meat Train I’ll never know, he was awesome in that. Does Silver Linings Playbook have Vinnie Jones fucking Sam Raimi’s brother’s eye out with a meat tenderiser? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT.
  • Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln Acting like a character for months offscreen does not constitute good acting Mr. Day Lewis – if that was the case I’d be the best actor in the world. Whenever I speak to supermodels and tell them I have a 12-inch cock, I’m massively lying to their faces – I’ve only got an 11-inch one. I spend a great deal of my life in that character. You don’t see me winning any fucking Oscars.
  • Hugh Jackman in Les Misérables – Jackman wouldn’t have even made it to Boot Camp with his performances in this movie. Cowell would have shut him down.
  • Joaquin Phoenix in The Master Here’s another staunch 18-avoider – I haven’t seen him in anything, so I think that gives me enough authority to say that he shouldn’t win this because he’s SHITE.
  • Denzel Washington in Flight Denz has been in some mint 18s so I think I’ll let him off here. I mean blate this will suck hairy, droopy, gangrenous bollocks, but I think he gets a free pass.
lincoln_2394389b

This is the most exciting scene in the whole of Lincoln

Actress in a Leading Role

  • Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty I’ve not seen Chastain in anything so I’m just going to assume that she’s got some sort of unwarranted personal vendetta against me and I’m not even going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
  • Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook I very much fancy Jennifer Lawrence but if she keeps up this run of shit movies I’m going to lose interest. She might not ever see my willy if she doesn’t sort her act out.
  • Emmanuelle Riva in Amour Never heard of her and I’ve heard of everybody so I guess this is some sort of practical joke designed just to piss me off. Probably organised by Jessica Chastain.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild Since when have they started allowing animated characters to be nominated? This is a Pixar movie right?
  • Naomi Watts in The Impossible I find it IMPOSSIBLE to comprehend why this film was even included at all.
lawrence_2397638b

I don’t really want to say anything horrible about you because I fancy you and you might not go out with me if I do, you silly billy. I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT YOU’RE NOT A SILLY BILLY!

Actor in a Supporting Role

  • Alan Arkin in Argo I’ve thought of another addition to this film that would make it worth visiting – an ‘S’ on the end.
  • Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook How a man who was such a pro-18 campaigner can find himself surrounded by the swamp of shit and piss that is the nominations this year dumbfounds me. Seriously, Rob, sort it out. I’d even watch Goodfellas II: Why You No Like-a My Pizz-a?
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master – If you want to watch a film called The Master that’s actually worth watching then I’d suggest the one starring Jet Li. There’s no poncy ruminating or staring, instead there’s loads of wicked kicking and punching.
  • Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln I’ve always liked Tommy Lee Jones but then I realised that this was solely on the basis of Natural Born Killers and Black Moon Rising but then I realised that both of them were shit so then I realised that I’ve always hated Tommy Lee Jones.
  • Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained NO NEED TO ANNOUNCE THE NOMINATIONS WE’VE FOUND OUR WINNER.
Yes Seymour, I too am puzzled as to why The Master was included

Yes Seymour, I too am puzzled as to why The Master was nominated

Actress in a supporting Role

  • Amy Adams in The Master I assume the ‘bate’ in The Master is silent? That would explain a few things.
  • Sally Field in Lincoln Would Sally Field. Shouldn’t win though, don’t want her whining and crying up the joint.
  • Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables Lesbians are never miserable, they are happy and wicked and awesome and I won’t have a bad word said about them.
  • Helen Hunt in The Sessions Now I’ve heard that Helen Hunt whops her fronks and crux out in this thing, which is annoying because I’ll never watch it. Although I have heard about this thing called the ‘Internet’ where you can see naughty things so I might just check out that scene on there. That doesn’t count as watching a 15 does it?
  • Jacki Weaver in Silver Linings Playbook – I sometimes tell girls that my penis has a silver lining. Imagine their surprise when they find out it’s just tin foil. Imagine their surprise when I tell them that it doubles up as a condom. Imagine my surprise when they leave. Imagine my lack-of-surprise when I start crying and wank myself to sleep.
Here we see Anne Hathaway playing the part of 'The Giraffe' in Les Miserables

Here we see Anne Hathaway playing the part of ‘The Giraffe’ in Les Miserables

Animated Feature Film

  • Brave – You’d have to be BRAVE to tell me you liked this film.
  • Frankenweenie – If you like this film I bet you’ve got a WEENIE dick.
  • ParaNorman – They’ve spelled ParaBOREman wrong.
  • The Pirates! Band of Misfits – This looks like it was made by a BAND OF MISFITS.
  • Wreck-It Ralph – If your name was Ralph and you asked me to come to the cinema to see this with you I would come along and when we got there I would trash the cinema but not before saying, “Oi, watch me WRECK IT RALPH.” Or something.

I recognise that none of them were funny and I apologise. It’s been a long night.

Cinematography

  • Anna Karenina
  • Django Unchained
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Skyfall

I think I’ll skip this section because it’s entirely clear to anyone with a brain, eyes, ears, a dick and/or vagina who the winner should be.

Thanks Leo, I will take that hammer and smash my own kneecaps in if Django Unchained doesn't win anything

Thanks Leo, I will take that hammer and smash my own kneecaps in if Django Unchained doesn’t win anything, how kind of you

Costume Design

  • Anna Karenina – This is based on a novel so it’s going to be shit because it wasn’t written by Stephen King or Bret Easton Ellis. Not interested.
  • Les Misérables – What good is costume design if legendary fuckers like me aren’t even going to watch the sodding film?
  • Lincoln – Erm, did nobody see Dredd? His uniform was badass.
  • Mirror Mirror – Snow White can suck a fat dick.
  • Snow White and the Huntsman – I SAID SNOW WHITE CAN SUCK A FAT DICK.

Directing

  • Michael Haneke for Amour It’s not fucking Funny Games is it?
  • David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook – It’s not Spanking The Monkey is it?
  • Ang Lee for Life of Pi It’s not fucking Lust, Caution is it?
  • Benh Zeitlin for Beasts of the Southern Wild – It’s not erm, fucking Beast Cops is it? Sexy Beast?
  • Steven Spielberg for Lincoln – It’s not, erm, it’s not, err…FUCKING ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPI- oh shit, it’s erm not, urm, I think this is a lost cause to be honest. Oh Cape Fear? Spielberg was executive producer on that. That’ll have to do…
That looks pretty good for a cartoon

That looks pretty good for a cartoon

Documentary Feature

  • 5 Broken Cameras – I made five attempts to sabotage the making of this fucking thing but they still managed to finish it.
  • The Gatekeepers – Not sure what it’s about, not gonna find out. LOOK, THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY, THIS IS HOW JOURNALISM WORKS.
  • How to Survive a Plague – Not a zombie plague so not really interested. When is a proper documentary going to get recognised at the Oscars? In my opinion Sex: The Annabel Chong Story was an absolute powerhouse of documentary film-making.
  • The Invisible War – I will be invisible from any screenings of this.
  • Searching for Sugar Man – I hope if they find him, they let him know somebody’s made a shit film about him.

Documentary Short

  • Inocente
  • Kings Point
  • Mondays at Racine
  • Open Heart
  • Redemption

“Hey girl, wanna have sex with me?”
“Possibly, why should I?”
“Well, I won a fucking Oscar.”
“Wow, pretty good, your chances are looking up. What was it for?”
“Directing.”
“Wow, that’s one of the big ones, I’m impressed.”
“That’s what she said.”
“Hilarious. What film was it for?”
“Mondays at Racine.”
“Oh, I’ve not heard of that one.”
“You probably wouldn’t have, it was in the Documentary Short category.”
“Hey girls, grab your bags, we’re leaving – this prick’s been wasting my time, what a fucking phony.”

Film Editing

  • Argo
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Zero Dark Thirty

Oh look everybody, it’s the exact same films that have been picked for every other category, what a surprise. Editing for Silver Linings Playbook? What the fuck? How hard can it be to edit really good looking people looking at each other and then kissing? I edit that kind of shit in my sleep. WITH MY DICK.

zero-dark-Thirty-30-entertainment-news-Jessica-Chastain-719462581

Yeah you better cross your arms Chastain. If I’m sulking you had better start sulking too.

Foreign Language Film

  • Amour – Woah woah woah hold up hold up stop the press – hasn’t this already been nominated for Best Film? Not sure I’m happy with this – doesn’t this mean it’s got double the chance of winning an Oscar for ‘best’ film? In that case I’m going to set up my own version of the Oscars called something catchy like THE CUNTS and I’m just going to nominate The Raid in every category so that it wins every single award. Well, apart from the award for Best Film That Is Showgirls – I reckon the winner of that would probably be Showgirls.
  • Kon-Tiki – Yeah this one’s not going to be an 18 is it? It’s about a fucking raft. Although one of the best bits in The Burning was the raft scene – maybe this is the raft scene stretched to feature length. I’d watch it if it was. Maybe ‘Kon-Tiki‘ is Norwegian for Raft Scene. I bet it isn’t though. I bet it’s something more along the lines of Shit Boat.
  • No – This is about advertising or something – well my advertisement for the film would be a huge billboard with my middle-finger in the centre – then in massive red letters it would say “Should You Watch No? The Answer is NO” and right at the bottom of the billboard there would be a pipe that pumped turds and tampons out onto the street for no reason.
  • A Royal Affair  – Here we’ve got another 15 so here we’ve got another mallet just about to be thrust through the TV.
  • War Witch – This is a cheap and shameless attempt at trying to rip-off last year’s big winner – War Horse. Unless it’s not of course, but I’ve got an image in my head of a horse wearing a witch’s hat and I so badly want it to come true.
"Shhhhh, you don't have to listen to the terrible nominations if you don't want to"

“Shhhhh, you don’t have to listen to the terrible nominations if you don’t want to”

Makeup and Hairstyling

  • Hitchcock
  • The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
  • Les Misérables

Hey at least we’ve got two new films here – ok they’re both turds, but at least they’re fresh. Which is incidentally what I said when my girlfriend opened her Christmas present this year and it was a couple of shits I’d done that morning and swiftly wrapped up. Ex-Girlfriend.

Music (Original Score)

  • Anna Karenina
  • Argo
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Skyfall

Hmm, interesting, yes, very very interesting, hmmmmm, yeeeaaasss, very veeeeeeeery iiiiinnnnntteeerreeeeeeesssstiiiiiiinngggggg hmmmmmmmmmmmmohfuckoff

The infamous 'Pocket Billiards' scene

The infamous ‘Pocket Billiards’ scene

Music (Original Song)

  •  “Before My Time” from Chasing Ice “Yo, before my time, the Oscars began//But I don’t care, I’m still not a fan”
  • “Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted “Everybody needs a best friend through thin and thick//Still, Oscar’s not mine cos he’s a prick”
  • “Pi’s Lullaby” from Life of Pi “Pi’s Lullaby will send me to sleep//That’s cos the film’s shit, I’d rather shag a sheep”
  • “Skyfall” from Skyfall “Watching Skyfall is worth a punt//Only joking I’m not a CUNT idiot CUNT”

Production Design

  • Anna Karenina
  • The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
  • Les Misérables
  • Life of Pi

Oh well done you made a wig. WELL DONE YOU MADE A WIG.

"Hahaha yeah I know we don't know what we're doing here either ahahaha!"

“Hahaha yeah I know we don’t know what we’re doing here either ahahaha!”

Short Film (Animated)

  • Adam and Dog – Sheesh, I can’t think of a drier subject. Unless of course Adam and Dog are a vigilante team meting out justice to street punks à la The Punisher. Then it could be an 18. Or if Adam fucks his dog. I guess that would make it an 18 too. I guess then I’d have to watch it, you know, for research purposes – I need to stay on top of the game. I also need some tips on how to fuck dogs.
  • Fresh Guacamole – Ok, they may be preying on my fondness for burritos and nachos, but I’m not falling for that one again. Last time they used the same tactic some hernia tried to make me watch Nacho Libre – fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD.
  • Head over Heels – This could be a sex-position, so it might be an 18. Fingers crossed (also a sex-position).
  • Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare” – I have never watched Family Guy or whatever this shit is.
  • Paperman – BBFC Examiner: “UH OH, PAPER-CUT ALERT – BETTER GIVE THIS SHORT ANIMATED FILM AN 18” is something that will never happen.

Short Film (Live Action)

  • Asad – Asad is an anagram of Saad, which sounds like me saying “Saad”, which is a more pronounced version of ‘sad’, most commonly used when something is really ‘sad’, as in pathetic, not upsetting. So what I would be trying to say would be that this film is ‘Paathetic’, which is a more pronounced version of ‘pathetic’.
  • Buzkashi Boys – Buzkashi is an anagram of I COULDN’T GIVE A FUCK.
  • Curfew – There is a 1989 18-rated horror movie called Curfew that I have on DVD. I tried to watch it once but I fell asleep, here’s hoping that this ‘short’ Curfew is just a collection of all the death scenes in the movie – that way I won’t have to watch the feature length version, it didn’t look very good.
  • Death of a Shadow – The only time I’ve ever seen a shadow die was when I boxed my own one to death.
  • Henry – “Oh whoops, someone’s switched The Book of Interesting Film Titles for The Book of Boring Film Titles, I guess we’ll have to use this, Oscar submission deadline is in 5 minutes.”

Sound editing

  • Argo
  • Django Unchained
  • Life of Pi
  • Skyfall
  • Zero Dark Thirty

If Django Unchained doesn’t win this they’re going to have to edit out the sound of the audience screaming when I rain down a tonne of shit onto their heads.

"Hmmmm, these are the nominations eh? Hmmmm, I shall be using these as toilet paper."

“Hmmmm, these are the nominations eh? Hmmmm, I shall be using these as toilet paper.”

Sound Mixing

  • Argo
  • Les Misérables
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Skyfall

I made a joke last year about not having heard of any of the DJs up for this category, but it turns out it wasn’t a joke because I haven’t heard of any of these DJs either.

Visual Effects

  • The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
  • Life of Pi
  • Marvel’s The Avengers
  • Prometheus
  • Snow White and the Huntsman

Looky here, two more films we haven’t seen on this list yet. Looky here, they both munt harder than an anal wart with anal warts. Fuck sake.

This is exactly what I will look like on Oscar night

This is exactly what I will look like on Oscar night

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

  • Argo
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got an idea, seeing as I like cheating, I’m going to take an existing story and add stage directions to it.

EXT. A ROAD

We see a chicken. It crosses the road.

FADE OUT

FADE TO

INT. OSCAR CEREMONY

We see that stacked legend who writes I Only Watch 18s and also wrote the masterpiece – The Chicken.

STACKED LEGEND
(flipping the bird)
Fuck you, you’re all pillocks.

Audience cheers

THE END

Writing (Original Screenplay)

  • Amour
  • Django Unchained
  • Flight
  • Moonrise Kingdom
  • Zero Dark Thirty

I had a premonition that Tarantino will win this. And my premonitions always come true. Which is slightly worrying because I had a fucking terrifying premonition the other day. I’m not sure if I should tell you, it’s pretty fucked up. Ok I will, here goes – basically I dreamt that my wife got pregnant, so we went to the doctors and they gave her an ultrasound and when I looked on the screen it was a GIRL.

I'm bored so here is a picture of Robocop jizzing

I’m bored so here is a picture of Robocop jizzing

***

So that’s another year, another batch of stinking bile disguised as something worthy. To a real movie fan, winning an Oscar should mean FUCK ALL – the people that choose these nominations probably haven’t even seen Drive with Mark Dacascos, so how are they to know a good film when they see one? Or maybe they have, but Steve Wang didn’t invite them round for dinner or offer them a boat so I guess they ignored him. What a greasy pool of jizz and shit it all is.

I shall add my own jizz and shit to it (the TV) if Django Unchained doesn’t win anything too. Fuck it all to hell.

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