Spring Breakers (2013) (Guest Review From My Penis)

kinopoisk.ruHey guys, I Only Watch 18s’ dick here.You may have heard of me, I know he likes to go on and on about me, but I’m not that great! Ok, I am. I’m the fucking best oak in the whole world, I’ve kissed so many vaginas you wouldn’t even believe it, I mean we’re talking thousands here, maybe millions. Anyway, we went to see Spring Breakers the other day and because it was the film I’d been looking forward to most this year, I Only Watch 18s said I could write the review, so here I am!

I’ll give you a bit of background to my anticipation for this flick first. Basically, I very much fancy Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Ashley Benson, and I would love to meet their punces. However, because I’m a fucking big-shot nowadays I doubt I’ll ever bump into any of them at their low-rent, working class parties because I’ll be living it up at some big gala bash in Monaco, spitting out into some A-class thut or something. So I guess the next best thing would be to watch them in a film where they spend the majority of the running time in bikinis. Well, luckily Spring Breakers is that film. That’s why I was excited.

By the looks of the trailer, it seemed to me that this film would be thunderously amazing. Why? It contains the following things:

  • Vanessa Hudgens
  • Selena Gomez
  • Ashley Benson
  • Bikinis
  • Guns
  • Machine guns
  • James Franco
  • James Franco essentially playing Riff-Raff
  • Tits
  • Bums
  • The possibility of punce to fantasise about snogging
  • A sweet soundtrack
  • Balaclavas
  • A huge, lengthy schlong swinging back and forth like a giant monkey’s tail

Sorry, the screen went black after the trailer finished and I caught sight of my reflection so I’d ignore that last bullet point. But the question on the end of all of your nipples is “Well, Mr. Wang Dung (is that a Mortal Kombat pun? I’m not so good at this writing thing), did it live up to your expectations?” Oh and maybe also, “How did you ever get so big?” Well, the answers are “No” and “Fuck knows.” I’ll explain my first answer:

Spring Breakers starts off brilliantly, with a load of topless girls dancing on the beach to Skrillex, so I went really big and almost hit the head of the person in front! At this point I thought “This is going to be fucking white wee time!” Then we’re introduced to the girls and I stayed all big and that, but suddenly there was this fucking really loud gun-shot sound effect and I did a concertina back into myself. They kept doing this stupid dumb sound effect and it kept making me shrink, it was really annoying.

Selena-Gomez-spring-breakers-girls-bikini-SHQ-4

Then I started to realise that the film wasn’t as good as it thought it was. It’s (much like me) a bit too self-aware and the girls are all a bit too ‘cool’ for their own good. Hudgens keeps doing this shit finger-gun thing (not as good as it sounds) which got really irritating, and once they carry out the most annoying robbery in the history of cinema, I had flopped over and was chatting to I Only Watch 18s’ thigh about that minge that we saw the night before – what a perm!

But not all was lost – once Franco turns up it got good again, because he’s bloody hilarious. If you haven’t heard of Riff-Raff, then Google him – Franco is basically doing an impression of him for the whole film, it’s brilliant. So yeah, I was back on board with Spring Breakers¬†and was back being all big and silly – it was great fun. I kept vibrating and making high-pitched squeaking noises – unusual.

It kept up this quality right until the very end. WHICH WAS SHIT. I won’t spoil it for you but MAN IT WAS SHIT. WOWZEEZ. Almost ruined the entire film for me, I shrivelled back so quickly that I crossed the border into Bum Town. What a load of rubbish.

 james-franco-in-spring-breakers

And then that was that. It was over, and it was off out into town to try and find some clam to pen.

I’ve thought about the film a lot over the past few days, and regardless of the ending, I still want to see it again – it was a hell of a lot of fun. I definitely will too, and maybe now that I know what’s coming (NOT ME THAT’S FOR SURE) it won’t be such a surprise. Lower expectations might work in its favour. But for now I don’t think I can give it any more than a 6. I’d like to give it a 6.5 but I’m not going to step on I Only Watch 18s’ flawless and meaningful rating system otherwise he might not let me go into any frunges for a while.

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So that was my first review – I hope you enjoyed it! As for me, I reck – OH GOD WHAT’S THIS THING GOING OVER MY HEAD? IT SMELLS LIKE RUBBER! WHAT THE FUCK, ERR AAHH, HEEEEERRREE WEEEE GOOOOOOOO!!!

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