Evil Dead (2013)

evil-dead-remake-movie-poster-2013The Evil Dead is a very good movie. I’m talking about the original here. We can ignore Evil Dead II because although it was once an 18 and was extremely enjoyable it has since been reclassified as a 15 so it can suck my fat dick so far down that it can poo my dick, if that makes sense. Also, I have never seen Army Of Darkness for I am not a giant, translucent sack of severed bollocks. But the first one was wicked, and still is wicked.

So obviously they remade it. No surprise there – they fucking remake everything nowadays, and whereas it used to bother me, I now couldn’t give three flying fucks about it. Who cares? If it’s being remade as an 18, that’s just one more chance to see an 18 in the cinema, and that can only be a good thing in my book. Of course, when they do something like remake Prom Night and it’s a 15 then the world shall be crushed beneath my gigantic fists, but we all knew that anyway.

So I was looking forward to Evil Dead the remake, because it was an 18 and it was produced by the same producers as the first one – it was in good hands. So, was it any good? LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU.

Yes, is the short answer. No, is the long answer. Let me explain. Had this film had nothing to do with The Evil Dead it would have been really good – unfortunately it did. It had a lot to live up to, and add to that the relentless press-mongering of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi plugging it to death and back, and you’ve prepped your movie for a big fall if it ain’t good enough.

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Unfortunately, I don’t think it was. It was fun and all, but it just wasn’t scary, which wouldn’t necessarily have bothered me if it wasn’t for the promotional material shoving the ‘YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW TERRIFYING THIS FILM IS’ guff down my neck and up my arse and down my arse and on my arse and up my dick. It is NOOO scary.

Luckily, it is gory. Very gory. I haven’t seen a Hollywood movie this violent in a long time, they did the Evil Dead fans proud with this – it’s not a watered-down cynical (ok, it’s slightly cynical) remake produced to ensnare the widest audience, it’s a down-and-dirty horror flick for real fans. This pleased me.

Overall though, it’s not really got an original bone in its decaying body (even harder to do when it’s a remake), and it’s not really anything unlike any other demonic-possession movie you’ll have seen before. Like have you seen that one toilet movie? The one where that bloke is screaming “MY BUM HAS A FOUL DEMON WITHIN!” and he’s thrashing about on the toilet, punching the wall? The one with me in it? It’s called Anal Hernia? The big twist at the end is there’s no demon, it was just a really big shit? Well, Evil Dead is nothing like that, but it’s like a lot of other demon-based horror movies.

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It may sound like I’m cussing this movie, but I still think it’s worth seeing – hopefully I’ll lower your expectations a bit and you’ll enjoy it more this way. My expectations were so high the condom only covered my bell-end, so try not to read anything else about the movie and if you can, try to ignore the fact that it’s a remake of a fucking amazing classic that shouldn’t really have been touched in the first place. If you can do all of these things, then you’ll probably like it a bit more than I did.

6 18s out of 10.

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3 Responses to Evil Dead (2013)

  1. Smogo says:

    You should definitely see the Maniac remake. It’s French rather than Hollywood, so already has a head start over The Evil Dead. And it’s excellent.

  2. ionlywatch18s says:

    I have, it was very very good: http://www.ionlywatch18s.com/?p=1586

  3. Ian Mantgani says:

    It does have ONE original bone in its body – the quite excellent prologue sequence. The rest was loud and gory, all right, but yeah, not scary, nor inventive.

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