No One Lives (2013)

no-one-lives-poster-2Ryûhei Kitamura is my main fucking man ok? Versus is one of my favourite films of all time and if you haven’t seen it then don’t even think about talking to me at the mixer next week because me and the queen bitches will OUT your ass. So when I heard he was coming to Hollywood a few years back I just about dropped a solid chod right there in my tutu.

The film that came as a result of that was The Midnight Meat Train which blew my gigantic swinging tits straight through the roof and off into space where they now orbit the Earth, collecting debris and confusing astronauts. Unfortunately for Kitamura, it got fucking shafted by the distributors and didn’t really make much of an impact even though it was crunting amazing.

If only they’d have waited a bit until Bradley Cooper had reached the megastar status he’s currently at, then they could have done a Cabin In The Woods with the whole thing (N.B I haven’t seen that croc of steaming shit). Anyway, my main man Kitamura’s latest Hollywood offering is No One Lives and I’m about to tell you how fucking good or shit it was. Which one was it? You’ll have to wait and see won’t you? You sure you can manage this?

It was good. Not amazing, but good. In short – my penis I enjoyed it, and sometimes that’s all I need, in fact, that’s pretty much all I need ever. Sex, food, drink, doing shits – as long as I enjoy the whole thing then I come out of the toilet happy.

No One Lives is about this serial killer who basically gets fucked over by this gang of criminals, BUT THEY’VE PICKED ON THE WRONG TWAT because he fucks them over more. This big bad is played by Luke Evans, and is very good in this – he’s one of those Jason Voorhees type bad guys, not because he wears a hockey mask or anything, but because he’s a despicable serial killer, yet you still massively root for him. This might be due to his really sweet coat, but I think there are probably other factors in there somewhere. What a sweet coat though.

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So back to King Shit, Kitamura – well this definitely has him splattered all over it. It’s horrendously violent in an OTT comic book style – blood and guts are chucked about with reckless glee and I was howling at the moon last week because I thought I was a werewolf but it turned out I’d just eaten too much cheese with laughter at all the inventive gore.

Please just watch it for the gore, Kitamura’s manic direction and Luke Evans though – the rest is pretty damn shit. Some of the lines in the script hurt the ears and a great deal of the ‘acting’ on display belongs in the fucking shitter. You can easily ignore this though, because there’s so much fun to be had oh and also some tits. You can always ignore other things for tits. Like when my dick was on fire but there were some tits. Wow, what a night. Good job I was using an old piece of asbestos tubing as a condom otherwise I’d have shitted up my fucker no end – phew.

So yeah, No One Lives is right up my fucking street even though it’s a bit shit in parts. But remember guys and gals – TITS.

I give it 6 18s out of 10.

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