Arena (2011)

4e92c51c029f1 Arena is a funny one – it’s essentially a stupid, violent straight-to-video action movie, the kind you’d expect to see people like Mark Dacascos or Dolph Lundgren in, yet somewhere along the line, a hell of a load of A-list actors got themselves involved. Kellen Lutz, Samuel L Jackson, Daniel Dae Kim and Nina Dobrev are all in this – WHY THE FUCK IS THAT? It’s one of those cases like Movie 43 – big name actors signing on for something that they maybe don’t fully understand and/or as a favour for someone. Still, it doesn’t matter a fuck to me – I’m still going to watch it whoever the fuck they put in it.

But what of the actors in it? I don’t know if they’re gonna regret choosing to be in it? Probably not to be honest, no fucker has even heard of this film anyway – it sank without a trace quicker than one of my regular ghost shits.

Arena surrounds this bloke who has clearly modelled his body on yours truly, played by Lutz who gets fucked over by this BITCH WHORE (Katia Winter) who is a massive dick but as the film goes on it turns out she’s not so much of a BITCH WHORE and instead you find yourself slowly falling in love with her and carving her name in your arm with a compass and crying and bleeding into your ice cream SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE.

Anyway, he gets fucked over and kidnapped and forced to fight in this televised fight-to-the-death tournament (WHATANORIGINALIDEA) run by Samuel L Jackson. Eventually he comes up with a deal that if he can win ten (I think) fights in a row then he’ll be released – OR WILL HE? You’ll have to find out! You’re not going to though are you?

You will never watch this film.

Arena is exactly what you think – violent, cheesy and with tits in. It’s cheap looking and ill-thought-out, it’s chock full of standard B-movie dialogue and hammy acting (especially from Jackson), but on the plus side, there’s a hell of a lot of fucking kicking and punching and axes and shit. It’s totally average. But then who’s to say that there’s anything wrong with average? Just look at my dick!

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It passed the time relatively well, and Lutz is an action hero I could get behind (not gay), it’s just a shame he keeps choosing these silly vampire films for kids and romantic pieces of shit that I will never ever see ever, even if Jessica Alba said she would give me her last Rolo if I watched it. And then fuck me. Nope, I’ve got integrity to uphold here.

So yeah, it’s ok, but an average review of this film is not going to convince anybody to watch it – it’s the kind of film that you’re going to watch if you like this stuff, regardless of what some beautiful, hench bastard with awesome bollocks and rough farts says on the internet.

So here’s a pointless 5 out of 18s. FUCK YOU LEAVE ME ALONE I LOVE YOU KATIA WINTER LOOK WHAT I’VE DONE TO MY ARM FOR YOU DO YOU WANT SOME ICE CREA

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