You’re Next (2013)

YoureNextHome invasion horror movies are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays, and I’ll tell you what Mrs. Poopy Pants, I’m getting a bit sodding bored of them. When I’d rather watch cum dry over one of these films, you know it’s time to switch things up a notch otherwise I ain’t fucking interested Mr Poopy Pants. Congrats on the wedding by the way.

So when I heard about You’re Next, I wasn’t exactly over the moon, in fact you could say I was under it. On my roof. Naked. Howling. But then I heard a constant stream of very good things about the film, and I also noticed that it was directed by one of the directors of V/H/S, which I bloody well liked. Turns out he directed one of the shitter segments, but still, fuck off and all that. Either way, my interest was peaked. As were my trousers.

Also, it was an 18. JOIN THE ACTUAL DOTS YOU FUCKING POINDEXTER.

Turns out that You’re Next was a bloody right old laugh and/or a half, because it’s not your usual home-invasion malarkey – it’s got a little bit of a difference. Basically, there’s the standard set-up – a bunch of people meeting up in a huge mansion in the woods (HINT: never ever buy or stay in a mansion in the woods – you’ll get killed) for a nice dinner party and that, before the delicate anus comes dangerously close to the thrashing blades of the proverbial fan. Soon enough, people are getting killed in gory ways (phew – I’m not here for annything else) by a bunch of people in scary animal masks.

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But that’s not it – tings fi gwarn pon a different hype to normal. I won’t ruin it obviously, because the only things I ruin are golf courses and people’s haircuts with glue. But what you’ve got here are enough twists and surprises to make sure that You’re Next doesn’t get lost in with the bog-normal bunch of home invasion bullshit that I was talking about before.

I recomend this big towns, because it’s gen scary, gen funny, gen exciting and Sharni Vinson is a peng slice of juicy hoight and I love her. She is well good in this, I hope to see her in more stuff soon. Like a clown outfit with the bum cut out or something. That’d be funny. AND HORNY.

Anyway, I’m off to invade this home down my road now because there’s this dickhead who lives there and he’s doing my nut in. I’m gonna sneak in, steal his water bottle and food bowl. Stupid fucking smarmy rabbit turning its nose up at me every time I walk past his hutch.

I give You’re Next 7 18s out of 10.

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