For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”
FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013
Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?
Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raid) insane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.
SHITTEST 18 OF 2013
Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.
FAVOURITE ACTOR OF 2013
Look, I know I go on about him all the damn time, but it’s gotta be Scott Adkins this year. I always look for an opportunity to yak on about him, AND HERE IS ONE RIGHT HERE. He’s had two main releases this year, with the possibility of a third, but I don’t know when they’re releasing that one. First up, we had Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning, then Green Street: Underground and then he filmed Ninja: Shadow Of A Tear, but man doesn’t know when that’s out in the UK (also it might not be an 18, and if it isn’t, I’m gonna rip off my pants and eat them quicker than you can say “Go on then, rip off your pants and eat them quicker than I can say “Go on then, rip off your pants and eat them quicker than I can say “Go on then, rip off your pants and eat them quicker than – FUCK I’M CONFUSED). Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning was fucking great I thought – mega-violent, loads of action and it had Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in it too. If that’s not a recommendation then I’ll rip off my pants and eat them quicker than –
Fuck. Erm, yeah then we had Green Street: Underground, which takes a football hooligan film and basically turns it into an MMA film, which is a bit weird, but hey, I’ll take that over another fucking same-old hooliganism film any day. This film also has Kacey Barnfield in it, who I think I might very well fancy.
The final film, Ninja: Shadow Of A Tear has a FUCKING BUM-SLAP of a trailer hanging off its crotch, but who knows when that’ll be out and whether it’ll be an 18…Fingers fucking well and fucking truly fucking crossed though – the first one was a PENG ting.
FAVOURITE ACTRESS OF 2013
If you saw You’re Next, then you’ll know exactly who I’m going to choose. It’s gotta be Sharni Vinson, who is so badass in this film that I smacked my botty so many times that eventually I ended up having a ‘bad ass’.
Woah, apologies for that joke – wasn’t very funny was it? In fact, I’m pretty disgusted with myself. Oh well, this mouth-watering cream cake in the fridge that’s currently looking at me will comfort me won’t it? Now all I’ve got to do is take off these wet clothes so that I can eat it naked in bed brb.
That’s better – so yeah, You’re Next was well good. It concerns a load of people at a dinner party who start getting merk-up by a squad of skets in animal masks with crossbows. It’s fucking swell. It’s violent and tense and funny and exciting and scary and if you don’t watch it you probably like eating fried fox shit whilst sipping a large glass of piss, YOU STUPID IDIOT.
Sharni Vinson makes this though – I can’t explain too much about her character because it’ll ruin the film a bit, but let’s just say that she doesn’t take SHIT from no wastemans in rabbit fancy dress, that’s for sure. Which is the main reason I didn’t invite her to my birthday this year.
FAVOURITE GORE SCENE OF 2013
Well I think it’s gotta be a tosser-up between that yat getting dashed in half by a chainsaw in Evil Dead or Luke Evans hiding inside that fat wrestler’s body in No-One Lives. Can we do a joint one? OF COURSE WE FUCKING CAN! It’s my cunting website and I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. Look:
Here are the two scenes in question (spoilers obviously), so you can decide which one you like best innit:
FAVOURITE REMAKE OF 2013
There were quite a few 18 remakes this year, what with Silent Night, Texas Chainsaw, Maniac and Evil Dead, and although Maniac was fucking ace, I think my favourite remake of the year has to be We Are What We Are. It’s a remake of the Mexican film Somos lo que hay, which you should be able to find in a ball pit or a lucky dip at a kid’s school fayre or something babyish like that – obviously I haven’t gone anywhere near it because I’m a huge man with biceps and triceps. However, the sequel is not for kids, and is therefore very good indeed. It’s about a weird family that lives in the middle of nowhere and might be cannibals. It is extremely good, especially for a horror film about cannibals – it’s very well-acted and beautifully shot – it’s got more in common with a family-drama than a horror film, and that’s why it’s so fucking creepy. I really recommend this. I mean really really, like, I recommend it as much as my penis, which I still think is great despite the bad reviews you might read elsewhere.
FAVOURITE SEQUEL OF 2013
Again, there were a good amount of 18 sequels this year, such as Green Street 3, Wrong Turn 5, Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning, V/H/S/2 (fuck I hate typing that) and I Spit On Your Grave 2, HOWEVER, and that’s a big HOWEVER, I think the best of the yest (that’s a mixture between ‘year’ and ‘rest’ if you were fucking wondering) has to be Curse Of Chucky. It was great to see another 18 Chucky film after the sodding mess that was Seed Of Chucky – more like Weed (past tense of wee) Of Fuck-Wee innit lads? Innit eh? LADS? EH?
Chucky fucked-up shit on a big towns scale here, man was vexed pon di mansion, roodbwoys and roodgyals fi get merked on the regs. He certainly didn’t hold back on the gore front here – well good.
Also, Don Mancini’s just announced another Chucky sequel, here’s hoping he keeps up the good work and doesn’t put a nappy on and make one for CBBC or some shit.
FAVOURITE NUDE SCENE OF 2013
I know it’s not out until next year but SHEESH, Scarlett Johansson showing everything in Under The Skin was unexpected. I was as surprised as the postmen was the other day when he rang the doorbell and I put my dick through the letterbox and pissed on his knees – that’ll teach him for losing the invites to all those birthday parties I missed out on at school.
MOST MENTAL FILM OF 2013
Just like last year’s most mental film (Father’s Day), this year’s was also a Troma entry. Return To Nuke ‘Em High Vol. 1 was absolutely fucking insane. It would take donkey’s bollocks to list all of the crazy shit that goes down in this one, but let’s just say if you like fart jokes, then this is the one for you! Which is incidentally what it says on my Match.com profile – no matches yet, but fingers crossed! Maybe I should take the naked photo of me eating a dead badger off as my profile pic. I think it offends vegetarians.
Anyway, so that’s fucking that – what an interesting look through 2013 I think you’ll agree. What will next year hold? I know what I’ll be holding in 2014 – my penis. A lot. And if you’re lucky, you might get to hold it too! I normally charge admission for groups of twos – it’s quite long
I guess it’s a bit early but who gives a fuck – Happy New Year you flailing cock-twats!