So as you all know, my favourite film of all time is Drive. No, not that one, the other one. The one from 1998 starring Mark Dacascos and Kadeem Hardison. If you want to know why, then read my original review here. I have also talked about it here (and if you fancy reading about what I think of the Gosling Drive, why not click here?). So yeah, I fucking like Drive (1998).
BUT NOT ANY FUCKING MORE, BOZO.
Wanna know why?
This ruined my fucking Christmas, BIG TOWNS. I was having fun, eating my turkey sandwiches, drinking, sorry, downing my lager, playing with my Lego (Lego is another word for my penis, btw, although I was definitely playing with Lego, the toy. Also, I was playing with my penis) and checking the BBFC website, when shit got real in a big way. I’m not entirely sure why I was searching for Drive on their website (I was drunk), but this little piece of wanker showed up and it destroyed Christmas forever.
I don’t really know what to do. It was reclassified in 2011, which means I’ve watched this 15 a number of times over the past few years – this is an unutterable sin. I profusely apologise to you all – I have failed. So while we’re at it, I thought I’d confess to a load of other sins. Let’s wipe the slate clean:
- I had a SINGLE vodka and Red Bull the other day instead of a double.
- I wore a condom last year. But it was for a posh wank.
- I had a meal two years ago that didn’t have any meat in it.
- I farted next to a girl in the cinema and I DIDN’T waft it in her face.
- I picked up a PG-rated DVD in HMV last year. (I was hurling it at the security guard though)
- I asked a girl what her favourite Friday The 13th film was in a bar, and she said she hadn’t seen any of them, but I STILL shagged her.
- I ATE ONE OF MY CAT’S SHITS.
So, it’s all out and I’m very sorry. But at least we can start afresh. Only thing is now, I don’t have a favourite film anymore. It’s great to be able to answer that question, because I get asked it a lot. It’s also cool to have an interesting answer, one that could possibly cause someone to seek it out and gain it a new fan (this has actually worked before). But now I’ve got fuck-all – nothing came close to Drive. Apart from maybe The Raid – is The Raid now my favourite film? I’m not sure – this is going to take a lot of thinking. Or watching – if any of you have a favourite 18, please let me know because I’m fucking lost without Drive and my pubes are starting to fall out from all the stress.
I’m going to keep all my articles about Drive on this site to honour its legacy, but I will NEVER watch it ever again, and that pains me deeply.
R.I.P Drive, I thank you for all the great times you gave me. Particularly the blowjobs.