You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!
American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:
“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”
“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”
Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.
Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?
Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.
Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.
Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.
Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.
12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.
“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”
“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”
“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”
“Naa, YOU’RE ALRIGHT MATE.”
The Wolf of Wall Street – YES THIS SHOULD WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST THING.
Actor in a Leading Role
Christian Bale in American Hustle – Oh, you put on weight did you, Chris? OH, HOW METHOD. I bet eating all those fucking doughnuts and crisps took real effort and determination. Yeah, well done. Here’s a gold statue. Wait, what are you doing? Don’t try and unwrap it – it’s not made of chocolate you fat twat!
Bruce Dern in Nebraska – Have you worked out your recipe for my vegetarian meal yet? Basically, I guess I can make do with an omelette with cheese. I mean it’d be a fuck better if it had ham or shit in it, but that’s not the arena we’re working in is it? Anyway, come back to me and we’ll talk dinner plans.
Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street – Of course DiCaprio should win this. He’s dipped his toes into the 18-rated world before and he’s always good, so I’m on his side. Oh and also, he bangs BARE PENG YATS on the regs, which is something I agree with. And also mirror. Only the yats I root are probably even
Chiwetel Ejiofor in 12 Years a Slave – This isn’t set on Wall Street is it? I don’t think so. I’m only keen on the ones set on Wall Street ta very much. Yeah bye.
Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club – Cool, nice one McConaughey, yeah, cheers for tarnishing the reputation you built with Killer Joe and Wolf Of Wall Street. You were on top and you’ve gone and and ruined it. This is a 12A – you do know that right? You know what you’re doing? Ok cool, just checking OOPS YOU’R INVITE TO MY BOUNCY CASTLE PARTY JUST FELL INTO THE BIN OOOPS THERE’S CUSTARD GONE ALL OVER IT WHOOPS.
Actress in a Leading Role
Amy Adams in American Hustle – Ok, I’ve seen the posters for this film (I spit on them every morning on the tube), and even I have to admit that Amy Adams looks CHOONG on them. She’s popping a criss cleave pon di place, so I’ll let her off for that. But they don’t have a cleavage award at the Oscars. Yet another reason why I fucking hate them.
Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine – If a film has blue in the title, then I want some blue language. This is not even a 15, so good luck me on finding any of that in there. All it needs is a bit of “Jasmine, you’re not going out like that are you? You look like a right sack of old shit in that. What is it, a binbag? Makes sense I guess, you do stink of compost. Prick.”
You know, snappy dialogue like that.
Sandra Bullock in Gravity – Oooooooh, amazing – you managed to hang off some wires in front of a green piece of felt? Well done you! Or should I call you Judy? Throw millions of quid at a fucking puppet show and suddenly it’s being nominated for an Oscar.
Judi Dench in Philomena – If I ever become a professional bodybuilder (I mean I’m obviously already stacked enough to compete and win, but I don’t like the whole no drinking and/or punching rule) I’m going to call myself Judi Hench. I think that would be funny for a good five minutes. Especially if I had a wig on or something. I bet Christian Bale’s got loads left, the fat shit.
Meryl Streep in August: Osage County – THINK YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MERYL, LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A GO.
Actor in A Supporting Role
Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips – Again, I haven’t seen this, but how fucking easy is it to put a stupid hat on, walk with a peg leg and stick a fake hook on your hand? QUITE FUCKING EASY. “Oooh arrrr, me matey, yarr harbarrrin sam gaaarld ain’tcha?” – Thank you for my Oscar.
Bradley Cooper in American Hustle – It’s a well-known fact that if you set a film in a decade other than the one we’re currently in, then your chances of getting an Oscar go up. The further back, the higher the chance. That’s why Jurassic Park won an Oscar for best dinosaurs, because it was set in dinosaur times.
Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave – Look, Fassbender, we all know you’ve already got a massive dick, so you don’t need any awards. Unless there’s one for biggest dick. Is that a category at the Oscars? Probably not, because I haven’t got my invite through the post yet.
Jonah Hill in The Wolf Of Wall Street – Jonah Hill’s been whining about how he took minimum wage for Wolf Of Wall Street – which was $60k by the way. Oh fucking BOO HOO, I went out the other weekend and only slept with the minimum amount of females possible – one. I slept with the her the maximum amount of times possible though lads!
One and a half.
Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club – You can’t have it both ways, Leto – you’re in a band with your stupid eyeliner and you’re gashing bare scratch from that, still, so you can’t be in a movie with your stupid eyeliner doing the exact same thing can you? You’re greedy – it’s one or the other, mate. If I have to choose whether to have a Cheestring or a Peperami, then you’ll have to choose between acting and singing.
Ok fine I ate both but I’m on a badman ting so shut up.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine – I have not a fucking jot of an idea what this is about, so for that valid reason, I don’t think Sally Hawkins should win a fucking jot for it.
Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle – I LOVE Jennifer Lawrence so I’d be happy if she won this (we could put it up on our mantelpiece when we move into my shed together), it’s just a shame it’d be for such a shit film. Suppose you can’t have it all eh? Anyway, I’ve gotta go cos I’m moving house today – I think that Stevenson family have clocked on to what’s going on in their back garden.
Lupita Nyong’o in 12 Years a Slave – I bet watching this feels like it lasts 12 fucking years. Oh, sorry, you want me to watch your movie? But it hasn’t got any lizards or robots in it. Yeah, apols, I’m gonna need some of that in there otherwise chances are I ain’t gonna. Or a chainsaw? No? Yeah, best look elsewhere mate.
Julia Roberts in August: Osage County – This film deserves no sodding awards – they can’t even spell ‘orange’ correctly. A spelling check might have helped, but you’ve just kissed goodbye to your Oscar there, Roberts.
June Squibb in Nebraska – There’s something about this film that I like, and I THINK that it’s because the word ‘bra’ is hidden within it. Still, that’s not enough for me to fucking waste any of my precious
wanking time to watch the fucker.
Animated Feature Film
The Croods – The POOds, more like.
Despicable Me 2 – Despicable WEE, more like.
Ernest & Celestine – Errrrrrrr-nest & BELL-estine, more like.
Frozen – Ice Docking, more like.
The Wind Rises – THIS IS ALREADY A JOKE ABOUT FARTS.
Inside Llewyn Davis
Is cinematography just where you draw a picture of a cinema? If so, I’ve already beaten all of these amateurs – look:
Oh fuck I’ve just drawn a dick again haven’t I?
The Great Gatsby
The Invisible Woman
12 Years a Slave
Oh well done! Well done! You’ve been down to Primark and bought everyone some leggings! Great job! Enjoy this shit plastic statue. Shove it up your arse. Doesn’t matter if you ruin your leggings doing it, they were only Primark ones.
American Hustle (David O. Russell) – I would have been impressed if he’d actually travelled back in time to the 70s and filmed it, but he couldn’t even be arsed to do that, so you’ve lost my respect, David, right there. In fact, so have I. Has anyone seen it? I last saw it leaving my body when I was around four and I’d just got my dick out in the sand pit.
Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón) – Again, would’ve been good if you’d actually gone into space, but someone’s a big fucking fat scaredy twat aren’t they? Give me a camera, some coke and some Mentos and I’ll fucking fire myself into space and make a sex tape that’ll blow your skull into one piece. Basically, I’m planning on having sex with the sun’s core.
Nebraska (Alexander Payne) – If you ask me (which you shall), he’s a bit of an Alexander Pain in the arse. I also think I have done this joke before but I can’t be arsed to check so you’ll have to suck it up and deal with it, you frump.
12 Years a Slave (Steve McQueen) – I thought this guy was dead? Directing movies from beyond the grave? That’s impressive, give him the Oscar.
The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese) – Actually, no don’t. Give it to Scorsese – at least he had the bollocks to make an 18.
The Act of Killing – If I watched this I’d just be killing time until my next bread and cheese binge. And I do not, kill time – every single millisecond of my life has to be worthwhile. Which is why I spend at least eight hours every Sunday looking deep into the mirror and trying to get a hold of my life.
Cutie and the Boxer – I’m a cutie, AND a boxer. Yet this film is not about me – I should sue.
Dirty Wars – I’m assuming this is about some sort of poo fight, which sounds great if you ask me. I had a poo fight with a DHL guy on my front lawn once – I had a fucking great time. He didn’t, the frigid spoilsport.
The Square – I wouldn’t hesitate to guess that you’d have to be one to watch one.
20 Feet from Stardom – That was me once – now I’m there, so why would I want to watch a documentary about me as a baby? Actually I lie, I fucking would – I was such a dench baby. Still am.
Documentary Short Subject
CaveDigger – I built a cave in my last flat to keep all my DVDs in. Fucking landlord took it out of my deposit, the twat. I offered him his choice of any of my DVDs but he wouldn’t have it – Christ, some people.
Facing Fear – I wonder if this is a documentary about anybody who has ever insulted my shoes and/or necktie – because it sums up their whole situation pretty DAMN FUCKING SKIPPY.
Karama Has No Walls – This reminds me of that awesome joke I used to play when I was younger (last week). You ring a random number, and the conversation goes a little like this:
You: “Hello, is Mr. Wall in?”
Them: “No, nobody of that name lives here.”
You: “Ah ok, is Mrs. Wall in then?”
You: “Well, are any of the walls in?”
You: “WELL YOU BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE THEN BECAUSE THE CEILING’S GOING TO FALL IN!”
Never gets old.
The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life – Urgh, what a fucking boring title. I can’t even be bothered to look it up, let alone watch the shitter. Be more imaginative next time yeah?
Prison Terminal: The Last Days of Private Jack Hall – What’s with these fucking long titles? Want to alienate your audience? Want to put them off before they’ve even had a chance to find out what your film’s about? Want to be a boring fucker your whole life? PICK A LONG AND DRAWN-OUT TITLE THEN!
Dallas Buyers Club
12 Years a Slave
Haha, film ‘editing’. Haha, yeah good category, academy. Haha, ‘editing’.
Foreign Language Film
The Broken Circle Breakdown (Belgium) – I imagine this is something to do with what happens to my arsehole after a curry and/or a load of beer. Sorry, I just noticed I said ‘and/or’ there – it is never ‘or’, it is always ‘and’. Apologies.
The Great Beauty (Italy) – Yet another film about my majestic penis.
The Hunt (Denmark) – This rhymes with a word that I enjoy saying. Other things I enjoy are long walks on the beach. And long walks on the beach whilst saying ‘cunt’.
The Missing Picture (Cambodia) – Well done Cambodia! You’ve bloody lost the print! You silly sausages!
In case you hadn’t noticed, just above you should be able to locate a ‘joke’.
Omar (Palestine) – I should really research these films before I slag them off – it’s not very good journalism is it? Anyway, this is going to fucking suck shit.
Makeup and Hairstyling
Dallas Buyers Club
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
The Lone Ranger
Oh sorry, I fell asleep there. It must have been the above category – the one I have zero interest in. That must have been what did it. That and the wank I had immediately before starting to read the nominees.
Music (Original Score)
The Book Thief
Saving Mr. Banks
If I ever had to sit through these films I’d be doing that thing where you put your fingers in your ears and go “LALALALALALALAI’MNOTLISTENINGLALALALA”, you know, that thing that kids and also I do.
Music (Original Song)
“Alone Yet Not Alone” from Alone Yet Not Alone
Music by Bruce Broughton; Lyric by Dennis Spiegel
“Happy” from Despicable Me 2
Music and Lyric by Pharrell Williams
“Let It Go” from Frozen
Music and Lyric by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez
“The Moon Song” from Her
Music by Karen O; Lyric by Karen O and Spike Jonze
“Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom
Music by Paul Hewson, Dave Evans, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen; Lyric by Paul Hewson
I’m struggling to remember which of these songs were on Snoop’s Doggystyle. OH YEAH that’s right, none of them, which is why I don’t give three guinea pig shits about them. I bet none of them are even aggressive either. Aggressive music is so much better than not-aggressive music.
The Great Gatsby
12 Years a Slave
I wonder how the big dick-stroking egos of the movie stars react when they have to sit through the speeches of no-marks? Bet they hate it, don’t they? They’re all smirking and fingering each other’s arses when Meryl Streep’s up there fawning over herself for doing a shit impression of somebody, but what happens when they have to listen to someone who’s actually put some real skill into their profession and won an award for it? Bet they’re pushing their arses right down into that seat, saying their own names over and over again in their head and wishing all the really talented people would just fuck off and die so that THEIR TIME can come again and everyone can resume bum-probing and cock-caressing. “Production designers? This is about ME, not them! Nobody even knows who they are! Why isn’t everybody looking at me again? I want them to look at me! Somebody run their fingers along my penis!”
Short Film (Animated)
Get a Horse!
Room on the Broom
Short Film (Live Action)
Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn’t Me)
Avant Que De Tout Perdre (Just Before Losing Everything)
Pitääkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Take Care of Everything?)
The Voorman Problem
Yeah, not bothered about these – if you’re gonna make a film, make a fucking feature length one for fuck’s sake. Unless it’s a sex tape of course – I’ll let you off then. Most of mine range from 30 seconds to two minutes. With credits.
All Is Lost
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
I assume this is the category for the people that edited out all the good words, like ‘vagina’ and ‘shit’. And ‘vagina shit’.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Inside Llewyn Davis
It’s become a bit of a tradition to do the same joke about not having heard of any of the DJs up for this Oscar when I get to this category every year, but I’m not gonna do it this year.
But that’s where I’m wrong, because I sort of just did it there didn’t I? Can’t wait until next year.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Iron Man 3
The Lone Ranger
Star Trek Into Darkness
I still think the most overlooked visual effects artist is the one who’s in charge of Nicole Kidman’s disguise every year. If that failed and everyone found out she was an alien, shit would kick off, big time. Hey, it might make the Oscars worth watching though.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Before Midnight by Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke – Good luck deciding who gets to keep the award on which days of the week if you lot win. Oh and good luck catching this award before midnight – those fucking Oscars are on a looooong ting.
Captain Phillips by Billy Ray – Fucking hell, didn’t realise Miley Cyrus’ dad wrote this. Maybe that’s why Tom Hanks has such an achy breaky heart in all the trailers. JOKE SLAM!
Philomena by Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope – If a pope was involved in writing this then it’s probably going to be as boring as R.E lessons at school. They were rubbish – my favourite lesson was always English. Because we used to have ‘English debates’! Get it? ‘English Debates’ Englishdebates! It sounds like ‘masturbates’!
No wait, my favourite lesson was Mathematics! Mathematics Debates!
12 Years a Slave by John Ridley – Sorry, I just keep looking at the nominee below this one and I can’t concetrate. I always get starstruck in the presence of born winners, which is why I sometimes faint during those Sunday mirror-sessions I like to have.
The Wolf of Wall Street by Terence Winter – Well done Mr. Winter. Here’s your stupid statue, but if you’ll just follow me around the corner, the real reward is waiting for you. Yes, that’s correct, I have saved the liquid that’s collected at the bottom of ten jumbo ice-pops for you to drink. Enjoy, you’ve earned it!
Writing (Original Screenplay)
American Hustle by Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell
Blue Jasmine by Woody Allen
Dallas Buyers Club by Craig Borten & Melisa Wallack
Her by Spike Jonze
Nebraska by Bob Nelson
As is always the case, over the course of writing this analysis, I have worked myself up into such an intense frenzy of anger, that I can’t even be bothered to go through the last category – none of them are 18s so what’s the fucking point? What’s the fucking point in any of this shit? The Oscars is shit and everybody that thinks it means something is shit. If you’re an actor or an actress and you’re not disappointed if you’re not nominated, then all power to you. You shouldn’t be – it doesn’t matter a fuck if something is Oscar nominated or not – there are so many great films and filmmakers out there making quality shit and it won’t go anywhere near the Oscar judges. And that’s the way I want it to stay – the cunt brigade can have their fancy ceremony and they can all lick each other’s tongues and high-five each other for being in an exclusive club, while the rest of us can get on with not giving a shit. It’s a shame some quality people get caught up in it all, but hopefully, they’re only there out of obligation, and deep down they know that it’s all just a big pile of wet SHIT.
See you next year ya big wankers!