The Raid 2 (2014)

The-Raid-2-Australian-poster_JPG.jpgThe Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.

And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?

OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.

The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).

Obviously, me being who I am, I’m not so much interested in ‘plotting’ and ‘story’, so shall we just leave that out of this review yeah? It has it in spades for those of you that ‘like’ that sort of thing – but I’m much more of a ‘punch stab kick ouch’ man, myself. Luckily, The Raid 2 also has that in spades. More spades than you could shake a spade at. More spades than a packet of cards consisting entirely of spades. More spades than a garden centre that only sells spades. Lots of spades, basically.

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Throughout the first two thirds, we’re treated to a number of fight scenes – all amazing, obviously – but spread out and interrupted by the aforementioned ‘plot’. This was probably my only problem with the movie – too much talking – but then again, I’ve heard on the grapevine that some of you lot like that kind of thing, so fair enough.

Then, once we hit the last third, the unfathomable barrage of action that punches and kicks your eyes has to be seen to be believed. This ting GOES OFF, STILL. It’s a near-constant onslaught of the best screen-fighting I’ve ever seen – this is the real deal. There’s a fight between our hero Rama and this new assassin bloke (my favourite character) that happens in a kitchen and goes on for about 15 whole minutes – it’s so good I almost shat myself. Poo almost came out of my bum. It was that good. Definite contender for the best fight scene I’ve ever seen.

The Raid 2 is already one of the best films of 2014, guaranteed. I can’t see many others being able to top it, apart from maybe my next sex tape (Big Bum Willy Monster And The Kingdom Of Spunk), which will be even longer and have even more twists. All I can say is that you need to see this film if you consider yourself an action film fan, or even a film fan in general. Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais are beating Hollywood around the gooch with a sharp stick and it’s an awesome thing to behold.

I cannot WAIT for The Raid 3 – I can foresee an explosion of diarrhoea out of my botty so intense that it’ll go down in history.

I’ve got to give The Raid 2 ten 18s out of ten because there just aren’t any films this good anywhere else, are there? Again, apart from my sex tapes, but no matter how many times I phone Showcase Cinemas they still won’t show one of them on the big screen.

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