Stone Cold (1991)

StoneColdTHIS FILM IS FUCKING AMAZING. I feel the need to let everybody know how good it is, so I’ve taken a break from wrapping sellotape around my penis – I’m trying to get the shaft-colour to match the bellend-colour – in order to write this. I’m providing a valuable public service – people need to know about this movie and they need to watch it.

Until recently, I didn’t really know who Brian Bosworth was – but now I do, and I’m fucking happy about it. Brian Bosworth was a professional American Football player who was extremely popular over in America in the ’80s, but obviously I had no idea of this because I do not give three flying turd-corns about American Football. But supposedly he was a big deal.

BIG DEAL, I couldn’t care less – what I could care less about (because I care a lot about it) (so I guess I couldn’t care less because I care so much about it) (I’ve chosen the wrong expression here but I hope you’re all still with me) is the fact that he went into movies soon after. This is where things get interesting, particularly in the case of Stone Cold, because it was his debut film. I for one, can say with the utmost confidence that this is one of THE best debuts in the history of cinema.

However, this is not something the rest of the world agreed with, because for some reason only a genius with a metal computer brain could understand, it flopped at the box office. If this film had come out nowadays, I would have seen it about 38 times just on the strength of the trailer alone:

Show me a better trailer than that and I’ll show you a penis with the same shaft-colour as bellend-colour. I cannot fathom how this film was a box-office flop with a promo like that. The world is full of piss and shit, ladies and gentlemen.

Also, those bastards at the Razzies nominated Brian Bosworth as ‘Worst New Star’ – erm, I doubt there were any other ‘new stars’ who drove as many motorcycles and beat as many other people up as Brian Bosworth did in 1991. Absolute hogshit. It is now my aim to watch all Brian Bosworth flicks (next up is One Tough Bastard, the film with the best name in the history of movie-making).

But what is Stone Cold about? I hear you screech through your cages – well, I’ll tell you you rabid slags; it’s about this cop WHO DOESN’T FUCKING PLAY BY THE RULES, BOZO, who has to go undercover in a dangerous biker gang that is planning on assassinating a senator for some place or another. I think they also want to shoot some machine-guns at things too. Either way, Bosworth has to stop them using a combination of his fists, feets, guns and a fetch little leather vest that he likes to wear. He thinks it makes him look hard but I don’t think it does.

That’s not fucking all though! Also, Lance Henriksen is in it as the big bad guy, which is obviously an amazing thing because I’ve never seen Lance Henriksen put in a bad performance in anything. He’s the bomb here, because he’s got stupid hair and a dumb beard, but he’s still really scary and crazy (maybe because people have been making fun of his hair and beard or something) – he knows how to play a psycho perfectly. You think that’s the end of the coolness? WRONG, TWAT – William Forsythe is in it too (that’s Richie from Out For Justice if you’re asking). He also plays a nutjob and is also very competent in this arena.

But it’s Bosworth who steals the show – he beats up so many people that you won’t believe your crotch. This is really great stuff. Can’t recommend it enough.

Also, everything explodes, and if you’ve come to learn anything about me – I just love it when things explode. Except when my trousers did in the John Lewis bogs the other day – sometimes I just don’t catch it in time.

I give Stone Cold 9 18s out of 10.

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