It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.
If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.
Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.
So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.
But you might like it even more, because it’s got some of the best one-liners in the history of everything (so has Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back incidentally – “You give me that back otherwise I’ll stick my foot so far up your arse that the next time you try to give yourself a blowjob I’ll kick you in the dick” is one of cinema’s greatest lines). I can’t really be bothered to find out the exact words, but I’ve got a pretty good memory, so here are some of the ones that I’m talking about in Commando:
Sully: You know when you said you were going to kill me last?
John Matrix: Yeah?
Sully: I lied.
Cindy: What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I think he fell off a cliff.
Cooke: You scared, motherfucker? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!
Matrix: I’m going to eat your hat for breakfast!
Soldier: Slitting a little girl’s throat is like cutting warm butter.
Bennett: Put that knife away, you’ll take someone’s eye out with it if you’re not careful ya flamin’ drongo.
[Matrix throws a giant pipe through Bennett’s chest]
Matrix: The kettle’s ready, you cunt.
So as you can see, it’s chock-full of great one-liners. It’s also chock-full of more explosions and gunfire than you can shoot a gun at/throw a grenade at – the end 20 minutes are some of the most ludicrous scenes you’ll ever see. Arnie takes down so many people and doesn’t give a shit. He probably gives even less of a shit than me when I take down my pants in public. Actually, scrap that, I’m usually giving a shit right at that moment – giving it to the pavement. Either way, I’m sure you get my drift? Much like the public do in those instances as my farts flow downwind.
Anyway, Commando is the best and you need to watch it because if you don’t then I’m not lending you my Fleshlight ever again.
I give Commando 10 18s out of 10.