So, for the first time in six years, I didn’t go to Frightfest. That’s a shit of the highest weight and circumference. What a cod of turds. I won’t go into the reasons why but it annoyed my pants all the way right up into my bum, all the way through my intestines, through my stomach, up my gullet and then right out of my mouth and into the face of the audience who were watching my magic show. Couldn’t have asked for better timing to be honest.

Anyway, I was at a bit of a loss. I had a free August bank holiday weekend. You know that weekend where loads of things happen and all your mates are doing stuff? Yeah that one. So I did some stuff that weekend. Here is a list of things I did instead of going to Frightfest:


  • I found some Dragon Soop which is a drink that I think can kill you, so I bought £40 worth of it.
  • I was mean to a waitress behind her back.
  • I got pissed and went to the greatest pub in London (the O’Neill’s in China Town).
  • I annoyed a girl in there.


  • I had I think three wanks during the day.
  • I stayed in on Friday and watched a horror film to try and make up for the fact I was missing Frightfest.
  • I had I think another wank.


  • I went to a wedding. It was nice even though it forced me to look into my future of loneliness, super-strength lager and wet Bombay Mix.
  • But then I got pissed and was happy again. As usual.
  • I spent a total of £180 and have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.
  • I did I think three diarrhoeas during the day.


  • I went to Notting Hill carnival.
  • I engaged in some sort of clothed orgy in public.
  • I lost all my friends trying to find a toilet to have a diarrhoea in.
  • I asked a policeman where the nearest station was – he said I could walk to Paddington in ten minutes.
  • After walking like a penguin (still hadn’t found the toilet) for 45 minutes I found Paddington and had a diarrhoea in it.
  • I got increasingly pissed throughout the evening and got kicked out of a bar for being too good at dancing or something.
  • I got back to my house at 7.00am.
  • I went out of my house at 7.03am to get a McDonalds.


  • I had I think ten diarrhoeas during the day.

So yeah, good weekend overall. It’s a shame about all the diarrhoea but you know, sometimes it just pops up, interrupts whatever it is you’re doing and there’s nothing you ca

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