A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The First Time I Watched The John Wick Trailer

I recently watched the best trailer I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s for Keanu Reeves’ new film, called John Wick. Here’s the trailer, but I’d warn you, don’t watch it if anything flammable is near because it’ll heat your arsehole to boiling point. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.

Are you ok? Do you need me to call you an ambulance? Or a cleaner? I bet there’s shit everywhere. In case you were interested, here were my thoughts during the first time I watched the trailer:

  • ‘Appropriate audiences’ eh? I’m not in the business of shit like that.
  • Fucking hell, sounds like that stupid LV advert. I hope it’s not another LV advert. I hate YouTube advertising.
  • Jesus, they’ve managed to get Keanu Reeves to star in an LV advert!
  • Oh it’s not an LV advert, it’s the trailer.
  • Cute dog, hope nobody kills it.
  • Decent car, hope nobody nicks it.
  • Fuck I think that man’s going to nick it.
  • Oh phew he didn’t nick it.
  • Music’s changed, something bad is going to happen.
  • Oh fuck it’s that man from the gas station (petrol station if you’re English).
  • OH NO!
  • NOT THE DOG!
  • NOT THE CAR!
  • Oh shit, Keanu’s lost everything. But he’s only some soppy bloke who’s in love with a dog – he won’t be able to do anything about it, right? RIGHT?
  • “You got out once…” – That means he was IN something, once. Was it a bath? A boyband? A pair of frilly knickers?
  • Uh oh, John Leguizamo is nat happy about the fact that Lily Allen’s brother stole a car from Keanu.
  • “It’s not what you did, son,” says the big bad guy, “it’s who you did it to.” OH CHRIST MY BOLLOCKS ARE INFLATING.
  • “That nobody?” – DON’T THINK HE’S A NOBODY ALFIE.
  • “That nobody…IS JOHN CUNTING WICK” BLLLEAARRUGGHH OH FUCK WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MEEEE
  • OOOOHH AAARROOOAARHHH EEERRRR OOOAAAAARRGGHHHHH
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • BANG BANG BANG ABGNGA AMGHBANG BANGBANGBSAHJX ABHDJDJDVFDDGFKHMDVLGMVHDCG
  • PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW “YEAH I’M THINKING I’M BACK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK
  • *sorry, blacked out*
  • *woke up in Cockfosters*

If you hadn’t gathered – I’M FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT SEEING THIS FILM.

If it’s not an 18 I’ll eat my hat. And my hat is a chainsaw.

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