IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.
Anyway, here we go:
The Raid 2
Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.
The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.
Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.
Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.
FAVOURITE ACTOR OF 2013
Obviously it has to be my man Iko, because as I mentioned before, The Raid 2 was the best thing since I did that poo where I didn’t even have to wipe once (actually, scratch that – that was five minutes ago. Let’s go with sliced bread).
Iko Uwais can act, which is great and everything, but I’m far more concerned with how well he can kick people and chairs and stuff. And he can kick them so well that I bet he can even kick them better than me, and I kicked a chair so hard yesterday that someone gasped.
I just want him to keep making films like this, which is a shame because he’s gonna be in the new Star Wars film, which will be the cinematic equivalent of a piss-soaked rusk with hundreds and thousands on it. Except the hundreds and thousands are made out of BABIES.
FAVOURITE ACTRESS OF 2013
Paz de la Huerta
I use the term ‘actress’ rather loosely here, because if I showed a ‘film critic’ her performance in Nurse, then they’d probably take objection to my use of the word. It’s not that she can’t act – she was good in Choke and The Tripper, but in Nurse her performance is so bafflingly insane and terrible, that it’s hard to classify as ‘acting’.
Which is in no way to say that it’s not amazing, because it is. This is the performance of her career – it’s absolutely mental. If you haven’t heard of Nurse, it’s about this NURSE who becomes obsessed with a new starter at her hospital and goes to great lengths to scissor her. She also kills a bunch of men along the way because she’s an insane psychopath.
This film was so good. Bad, yeah, but good. You know, like eating a naughty fatty cake for dinner, or pulling a sickie at work or putting a Chupa Chups up your bum on the bus.
FAVOURITE FIGHT SCENE OF 2013
The Raid 2
YEAH ALRIGHT MATE WE GET IT. FUCK.
I’ve already mentioned it – it’s the really long one at the end in the kitchen that is just the best thing you will ever see. Unless you have magic eyes that make it so that whenever you see a car, you actually see a big pair of arses on wheels. I wouldn’t ever get bored of that.
I’m not gonna put the fight scene below because you need the build up to fully appreciate it, so here’s another BUM-RIPPINGLY good one instead (I like how it’s called ‘Kick Them All’ – it reminds me of when I see a nice flower bed):
FAVOURITE GORE SCENE OF 2013
This took me quite a long time to decide because I haven’t seen that many good new horror films this year. As usual, I’ve been taking up most of my time with ’80s and ’90s flicks, so some of the newer ones have passed me by, which is a shame.
But then I remembered Hatchet III, which I really enjoyed, and I remembered the bit where Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) goes up against Derek Mears. That’s TWO Jason Voorhees fighting each other. It all ends when Kane pulls Derek’s head out from inside him, if that makes any sense. Here’s a clip if you can’t catch my drift (it’s at around 1.30):
FAVOURITE REMAKE OF 2013
Patrick: Evil Awakens
I apologise, I’ve been a bit of a cop-out this year. I haven’t seen any of the main 18 remakes like The Town That Dreaded Sundown or Oldboy, but I did watch one. It was the remake of Patrick, and it was *quite* good.
It’s about a bloke who can control people’s minds and throw paper about and stuff, even though he’s in a coma. It is *ok*.
Sharni Vinson is in it who is great in everything, and that might be the reason I liked it, but who cares – it’s the best one out of the ones I saw, which wasn’t very many.
FAVOURITE SEQUEL OF 2013
Wrong Turn 6
Of course it would be this. I love the Wrong Turn films and I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of them. Why would I?
“Oh, inbreds with bow and arrows and axes killing people and also one sex scene always?”
“May I join your fan club?”
“Shall we go and watch Wrong Turn now?”
“What’s Wrong Turn?”
BIGGEST FUCK OFF OF 2013
What a lot of hype this one got. And you know what? Until about the last 15 minutes I was all aboard – it was tense, well-acted and I was desperate to find out what happened. Then it all happened and FUCKING HELL what a load of shit.
How on God’s green bogeys did they not notice when she was in the hospital that SHE HADN’T BEEN FUCKING HIT OVER THE HEAD AT ANY POINT? Pretty sure they do check-ups and she lost a HELL of a lot of blood (to everyone else, anyway) – might wanna check that out. Nobody thought to have a look? She’d have been found out immediately. FUCKING SHITTER.
And don’t even get me started on the CCTV bollocks. Just don’t.
**END OF SPOILERS**
So the fact that Bruce Willis was a ghost really pissed me off. OH NO I JUST SPOILED IT FOR THOSE THAT SKIPPED THE SPOILER SECTION.
Only joking, just a little psyche for the people that haven’t seen Gone Girl and didn’t want it spoiled. Cripes, what am I like?
But still, it pissed me off like fuck. Apart from that it was good – it’s always nice to see Emily Ratajkowski’s wopping sockers isn’t it?
Anyway, that’s it, hope you enjoyed it, and I’ll try to watch more new films this year. Right, I’m off to to get in a sleeping bag and loosely sellotape myself to the ceiling, before seeing how many shits I have to do before the weight gets too much and I drop to the floor below, where I am able to collect my sweets.