Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, I basically set myself this challenge to finger exactly 2000 girls before I could write anything on this website again – not entirely sure why I did this though, so don’t ask. Anyway, I’ve done it now, so I can carry on writing about films and that. Also, I’ve just seen The Human Centipede III and I thought that would be a great one to get me back into the swing of things.
If you need to get yourself up to speed on the Human Centipede saga, then I suggest you read these two pieces of hilarious writing that I found on the internet one day when Googling “pictures of my dick human centipede”. Here’s a review of the first one, and here’s a review of the second one.
What you’ll notice is that I really liked the first one, but the second one wasn’t as good. This is something that happens a lot with sequels isn’t it? Especially when the first sequel is downgraded from an 18 – you know, like what happened with Taken. The first Taken was so good it actually caused me to do a poo which floated out of my arse and slowly rose up towards the ceiling before resting there like a tiny blimp. I think it’s still there now – you’ll have to ask the people at the cinema. However, Taken 2 was a 12A! If there’s anything that’s gonna get that Goodyear turd down from the roof, it’s that. The less said about Taken 3 (or as I like to call it – Taken WEE), the better.
Anyway, The Human Centipede II was still an 18, and one so extreme that it was actually refused a classification the first time round. When it was eventually released it was cut a bit, but still an 18. This made me happy as well as unhappy – the same as when I have a wank, sort of. But either way, it wasn’t as good as the first one.
So, what of the third one? Well, I certainly had my hopes up, didn’t I? Not sure why I did if I’m honest – it’s not often that a franchise gets worse and then suddenly gets better (maybe Friday the 13th?), but I loved the first one, so I had faith in Tom Six. Was this faith misplaced? Well, yes, is the answer. I’ll tell you why…
Basically, my main problem with The Human Centipede III is that I went into the cinema with my butt primed for some no-holds-barred human centipede action. What I wanted, at the very least, was to see a big human centipede wandering about the place, shitting everywhere – is that too much to ask? The film has ‘human centipede’ in the title, so I don’t think I was wrong in wanting this. I don’t ask much. It’s the simple things that make me happy, like fingering and wanking (although the whole wanking thing does enter murky water sometimes – see above. Especially when I’m doing it in the bath).
So why did I have a problem? Well, in this third instalment, we’re greeted with the biggest human centipede we’ve seen thus far – it’s got a good 500-odd people in it. That’s a lot, and should be worth the ticket price alone (not that I paid for it you absolute arseholes), but there’s one problem.
IT’S ON SCREEN FOR ABOUT FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.
You know that film The Thing? Imagine if the thing was only in it for five minutes. It wouldn’t really be able to be called The Thing would it? It would have to be called Some Other Stuff and Then a Bit of The Thing and Then Not The Thing Again, or something. Likewise with The Human Centipede III – it should be called Screaming and Bad Acting and Hardly Any Human Fucking Centipede III: Fuck Off. It’s only there for a bit at the end. Wicked, well glad I waited all this time and then only saw it for five minutes.
Oh yeah, and it doesn’t move or do anything. I wanted to see it walking about and maybe going Waitrose to pick up some duck fat and quinoa; or going on the London Eye or some shit – not just standing there like a sodding photo. I didn’t pay for this shit (I didn’t).
I suppose I would have let the film off if the surrounding parts were good fun, but they’re not. They’re pretty terrible. They consist mostly of Dieter Laser (playing a character that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever) shouting as load as he can and flicking his gross tongue out like a snake, or your uncle Baz at the last family BBQ. Then you’ve got Laurence R. Harvey (from the second film), also playing an extremely confusing character displaying some sort of American accent from the north of England. That, and fingering. But not the cool, rad, ace, street-cred-earning fingering that I do – gross, unpleasant fingering that isn’t any fun to watch.
It’s all completely nonsensical – the fact that the two main characters are in the first two films, and are also watching the first two films (things get meta, you see), yet don’t suddenly scream “OH GOD THAT’S ME ON THE SCREEN THERE WHAT IS HAPPENING MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE” is baffling. Even Tom Six is in it, and he doesn’t even realise. AND HE DIRECTED IT! It was too much for my ginormous brain* to handle.
That’s a small point, even though I got worked up about it, and I would have let it fly if everything else wasn’t so poor. The acting is terrible, the script is dire, and there’s so much force-feeding of social issues that it actually makes you gag. It’s a shame, because there are some good things to be found, so you know Six is capable of better than this (the first Human Centipede being the best example). There are flashes of brilliance.
For example, the ‘human caterpillar’ is a work of twisted genius, and there are some great gore scenes, including one where you see a pair of bollocks get cut out in close up. I mean, that’s not what I normally ask for in a film, but the effects were good, so I counted my blessings. Also, there’s a big fake bum and you can see its arsehole – I found this bit funny, because bums and farting are funny. I can’t even remember if it farted, but it’s farting right this minute in my mind so I’m sticking with it. I’m also laughing. AND farting. God I know how to have a good time.
Aside from that, there’s not much to recommend it. It reminds me a bit of my sixth birthday party – the only good things were the caterpillar and the farting, the rest was all screaming and confusing characters. Still, at least the caterpillar moved at my party (before we squashed it in a sock – those were the days).
Bit of a shame really (especially considering Eric Roberts was in it – even he couldn’t save it), but at least it means an end to the franchise. At least I hope it does. It does, doesn’t it? Tell me it does. Tom Six is capable of so much more, and I’d like to see him tackle something different. By all means keep the arseholes and bollock-removal, just put them in a different setting. And no, that doesn’t mean The Human Centipede 4: In Space, it means something completely different and original.
For now, I guess I’ll just go and watch the first one, because, and I’m being serious here, I consider it a classic of genre cinema, I really do. I’ll either do that or come up with another challenge before I can do any more writing on this website again. Something to do with cunnilingus?
Got it. See you in 2, 567 years.