So what I said in January, was a lie. I said I’d write loads this year, but I didn’t. So what? Whayagonnadowabowdit? I was very busy and did some other things instead. Like:
- I touched myself a good few times.
- I ate some Bombay Mix off my bare chest using just my tongue.
- I plopped in my panties whilst in a pub. Smelly bum bum!
- I shagged.
- Oh Lord did I shag.
- I failed HARD in front of some very beautiful women.
- But then I rectified the situation by shagging some other very beautiful women I mean I touched myself a good few times.
- I bought a Scotch egg, cut it in half, took the egg out, put some grated cheese in the hole, then put the egg back in and ate it. Gordon Ramsay? More like WhoreDong Ram-Lay or something.
- I frantically pushed myself towards the back of the bath in a frenzied panic to get away from the sperm I’d just released into the water.
- I watched a HELL OF A LOT of 18s.
It’s probably the last one you’re most interested in (maybe the third one too), so that’s what this “article” will be about. It’s been a great year in 18-rated cinema, so sit back, relax, pour some Bombay Mix on your chest and read the goddamn fuck out of this shit:
In my book of obscure and annoying vernacular, a green room is normally merely one I’ve just sneezed in, but in this case, it refers to the room in which bands hang out before they have to come on stage. You know, like the one where all the celebrities used to have “banter” in on The Jonathan Ross Show. Only, on the Jonathan Ross show, there isn’t a screeching maniac outside trying to burst through the door – unless Davina MccAll’s on it or something.
In Green Room, there most definitely is – there’s a bunch of them. And they’re Nazis. And what they’re trying to do is kill all the members of a small-time punk band because they witnessed a murder. What follows is a horror/thriller as taut as my banjo string (was), chock-full of more tension than my arsehole (was) and as chill-you-to-the-bone petrifying as my left nipple (is). It’s violent, exciting and got daym terrifying, if I’m honest. And as I have already mentioned, I am not often honest. But I actually am being honest now. Honest.
The Neon Demon
I was mega excited about this film, because I like Nicolas Whatshisname, because he often makes 18s, and he made Drive, which was wicked. This, on the other hand, was not wicked. It was VERY OK, and that’s just not enough for me anymore. I realise I’m being a hypocrite here, as I expect women to accept that a night with me is going to be VERY OK, but when we’re talking about films (my sex tapes not withstanding), it just doesn’t cut it.
The problem with Whatshisname Winding Refn is that he has a tendency to disappear up his own arse for extended periods. For the first half of this movie, he was outside his arse, and I was thoroughly enjoying the proceedings. However, there’s a sudden 180 switch when he suddenly realises that his arse is empty and that he is not currently in it, so he climbs in and gets comfy for the remainder of the film. It steers dangerously close to Only God Forgives territory – and we can all agree how fucking dogshit that pile of bollocks was. It even made me want to disappear into my own arse. I couldn’t though, because it was packed up with a big plug of turd. I showed it who was boss later in the pub though.
Elizabeth De Razzo in The Greasy Strangler
If you didn’t see The Greasy Strangler this year, then you did yourself a bigger disservice than the one I did myself in the pub that I just alluded to. The film, about a naked man who covers himself in grease and strangles people until their eyes pop out was a disgusting masterpiece. I don’t often feel queasy during movies (my sex tapes not withstanding), but this one took the biscuit. The arse biscuit. It was vile. Which is the main reason I liked it.
It also introduced me to my new favourite actress: Elizabeth De Razzo. She pops into the film to disrupt the central “dynamic” of the two leads, and proceeds to fuck shit up, royally. She also takes place in the best scene in the whole film:
The whole film is mental, she’s mental, I’m mental, and if the rumours are true, so are YOU. I heard what you did in that pub the other day.
No wait that was me. Move along.
Bruce Campbell in Ash Vs Evil Dead
I don’t often watch TV shows, unless they are highly educational and life-enriching, like Ex On The Beach, Geordie Shore or Naked Attraction, but this year something changed – I watched one. The main reason was because it was an 18, but also the episodes were only 30 mins long, so I could fit it in with my busy schedule (see intro). Fair enough, it came out last year, but it was right at the end and I didn’t watch it until 2016, so I’m including it here. Also, season 2 came out this year – so look who’s relevant, now, dickhead.
Of course Bruce Campbell was the best thing in it, he’s the best thing in everything (providing he’s in it, you idiot – he’s not a fucking wizard). Anyway, he’s great in this because he has a big chin, nice hair, a cool fake hand and he absolutely merks the un-living fuck out of loads of deadites. His quip game is on point, too: “Brand spanking new hand, or…brand new ‘spanking’ hand!” Ho ho ho, what a laugh.
FAVOURITE FIGHT SCENE
If you were ever to put a GoPro on my head and send me on a night out, I assume that Hardcore Henry is what you’d see. It’s unbelievably relentless and never lets up, and as such, it’s probably not for everyone, but I’d hazard a guess that if you’re one of those who won’t enjoy it, then you’re a big old FUCKING NERD.
Anyway, onto the fight scene – there’s a giant one in this, and as with the rest of the film, it goes on for ages, never stops and isn’t for fucking nerds. It basically involves Henry going up against a load of faceless goons on a rooftop, and it’s completely and utterly insane. I can’t imagine the logistics required to film something like this, but because I’m not a fucking nerd, I don’t need to think about it. I just sit there, mouth-open, gawping at all the pretty colours and punches and kicks and stuff. It’s so easy when you’re a full-blown moron. Seriously, just try it – life is so much easier. If there’s a downside it’s probably that you end up doing a bit too much wanking, but regular application of E45 cream should sort that out. Or so I’ve heard.
FAVOURITE GORE SCENE
I did not like Baskin. I’d heard so much about it – that it was the most disgusting horror movie you’ll ever see; that its depictions of hell were truly harrowing; that it wasn’t for fucking nerds; the whole lot. I thought it was boring, not scary and not even that violent. Apart from in one scene, which almost made me lose my lunch (it’s dark in those screening rooms).
Basically, this weird bloke uses a claw to gouge out some other bloke’s eyeball, then starts tonguing the socket. Pretty disgusting. Oh and spoiler alert. But you’re not going to watch it are you? Don’t by the way, it’s shit.
FAVOURITE SEX SCENE
The Greasy Strangler
Back to The Greasy Strangler again – seriously, this was close to being my favourite 18 this year, but Green Room just edged it. There’s a number of sex scenes in The Greasy Strangler, and they’re all really weird (very relatable), so I guess I’m just going to put all of them in this category. They’re all rather explicit too – none of this soft-focus, strategically-placed-arms softcore bullshit. Things are getting put into things and you can see it, which is great. I mean, I don’t suppose we needed to see the old man’s arsehole, but it was shown to us anyway (again, very relatable).
FAVOURITE BAD GUY
The Easter Bunny in Holidays
Holidays wasn’t amazing, but I liked what it was trying to do. I like a good anthology movie, but unfortunately, there aren’t many “good” anthology movies. As with most of them, this had good parts and bad parts, but one of the good parts was really good. The Easter section (each segment had a holiday theme) was great, and while I was watching it I fucking screamed my head off when the the gross easter bunny turned up. As usual, I was watching it at some ungodly hour and so woke up all my flatmates, but fuck them, they shouldn’t have told me to watch Holidays. They didn’t, but I’m trying to come up with excuses here. Either way, it’s gross and scary, like all bunnies. Apart from Playboy ones, that is, HHHAAYYYOOOOOOO!
Come to think of it, neither are normal ones. The joke doesn’t work. Deal with it.
Again, this year I decided to do something I don’t normally do, and I got a computer game and started playing it. Reason one being: it was an 18. Reason two: playing a computer game is like hanging out with virtual friends, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? I CAN COUNT THEM AS FRIENDS CAN’T I? Also, sort of reason three: Until Dawn is almost a movie. It’s basically like a playable film. So you still press buttons and stuff like you do on normal computer games, but the whole experience is more akin to watching a movie. Basically, the buttons you press affect how the film plays out.
It’s part slasher/part monster movie/all shit-yourself scary. The good thing about watching a horror film is that when there’s a big jump scare, you’re not holding a controller so you don’t have anything to hurl across the room by accident. When you’re playing a game, you do. And I did. Almost broke it. I also had to turn it off because I was playing it on my own in the flat and it was too scary to carry on. I mean, I know I go on about being hard and stuff, and I actually am in real-life situations, but show me a computer generated man in a mask on a small screen and I’ll genuinely screech like a small child. Chicks dig a sensitive side, though, so when I invite them round to watch me play, they fancy me extra more when I start screaming. They leave because they’re not able to control themselves. Then they don’t text back because they’re “treating me mean”. God I can read women like a book.
FAVOURITE TV SHOW
Daredevil Season 2
Me and these TV shows eh? What on God’s green bogies am I like? After watching Ash Vs Evil Dead, I decided I’d try another one. And the one that I tried was this. I obviously didn’t watch the first season because you could only watch that if you bought a deluxe pack of nappies and then you got it free. However, the second season is an 18, so I got it free with a deluxe pack of condoms that I’m not ever gonna use.
The Punisher is one of my favourite comic book characters because his movies are nearly always 18s – I very much like the Thomas Jane Punisher movie and also the Ray Stevenson Punisher movie. I never saw the Dolph Lundgren one because I could never find an uncut version, and it’s been reclassified as a 15 now anyway, so fuck it.
But here was my chance to watch another Punisher onscreen, this time in the form of Jon Bernthal, who I must say, did a fantastic job. That scene where he dashes all those blokes in the prison is one of the best thing I’ve seen all year – such stellar 18 material. Watch this shit:
But it’s not just Big Pun who hogs all the best scenes – Daredevil himself kicks a hell of a lot of wicked arse, too. Also, they changed his suit up – I saw some pics of the old one in season one and it makes him look like a fucking nerd. If the next season is a 15 I’ll blow my sodding lid.
THE ‘SO ANNOYING I COULDN’T GET PAST THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES’ AWARD 2016
I like Rob Zombie. He’s done some good ones in his time, particularly The Devil’s Rejects, and I even like his Halloween movies – they’re a lot better than some of the sequels, that’s for sure. So yeah, he’s OK by me, but I didn’t really like The Lords Of Salem, so I entered this on my little tippy toes, because sometimes I like to walk on them as a nice treat.
Anyway, the trailers looked quite good, so I was looking forward to seeing it. However, I couldn’t get past the first quarter of an hour – it was so annoying. I’m not normally one to turn things off without giving them the chance, but I was so hungover (OH WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE YOU LEGEND) that I just couldn’t be dealing with it. Since then I haven’t had the balls to pick it back up again and I don’t think I will.
TURNS OUT THE BIG DOG IS BACK IN TOWN. IF YOU CAN’T GRAB MY INTEREST WITHIN THE FIRST 15 MINUTES, THEN YOU’RE OUT THE DOOR, BABY. I’M SHIT-HOT AND THESE ARE THE NEW RULES. HEED MY WARNING, FUCKERS. ZIM ZAM ZOING.*
*A pair of tits at 14 minutes, 59 seconds will do.
THE ‘I HOPE THIS IS A FUCKING 18’ AWARD 2016
So I saw a film this year called The Void, and it was really, really great. Just peep that motherfucking trailer above. I’m big on the whole body horror thing, and this was a top-drawer, old-school, prosthetic-filled jamboree of gooey, gory goodness. It’s about a bunch of people holed up in a hospital while a weird cult surrounds them outside, and a whole bunch of ungodly monster shit is happening inside.
The reason I’ve created a whole new award for it, is because it hasn’t been officially rated by the BBFC yet, or at least not to my knowledge. I really hope it’s an 18, because I’m not keen on pulling all my pubes out so soon after they’ve grown back. It felt like an 18, but you just can’t be sure nowadays – it’s a tough gig “running” a “blog” about “it” all “.”
Either way, if this is an 18, then check it out because it’s amazing; if it’s a 15, then shit in a bag and set fire to it because the world is filled to the brim with sick and piss.
THE ‘WHAT THE FUCK ON EARTH AM I WATCHING?’ AWARD 2016
We Are The Flesh
I’d heard a lot about this one – you know, that it was gross and all that, so obviously I wanted to see it. Erm, turns out it was way weirder than I could ever had imagined. It’s basically about this homeless brother and sister who are living in some weird underground lair place thing, and in there is this nutjob bloke who likes coating everything in cardboard. It makes no sense and then suddenly everyone starts having sex with each other in explicit detail – it’s essentially a porn film. But not a good one, because I have no idea what it was about. I only like watching porn with easy to understand storylines: plumbers, pizza delivery, oil in paddling pools etc – you know, things that happen to me every day. Either way, I don’t think I could recommend this to you unless you’re a fucking weirdo. I’m certainly not. I’M FUCKING NOT OK?
Anyway, so that was 2016, not the greatest year in real-life terms – the political landscape was pretty unbelievable. You know, all that business with that weird looking, disgusting freak sliming about the place, consuming everything it can, leaving destruction in its wake and growing and growing in size as it tries to take over the world. No wait, I’m thinking about The Blob, sorry.
Either way, it was pretty good in 18-rated movie terms, which when you really think about it, is all that matters. It’s all I care about, anyway. So let’s just hope everything irons itself out in the real world, and simultaneously let’s cross our fingers for even more brilliant movies released next year (my sex tapes not withstanding).
See you cunts next year probably.