I’d like to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had back when I was at school. One time me and my buddies were riding our motorcycles through the school, when we ran into our teacher, Ms. Connors. Obviously, she was annoyed because we were riding our motorcycles inside the school corridors, but she was probably also jealous of my sweet tight jeans and boots and my friend’s cool leather jacket with studs in the collar – you know what teachers are like.
Anyway, instead of just telling us off, she decided to make her arm melt to reveal a flamethrower and start trying to kill us with it.
Oh wait, no, I’ve got things mixed up here. That was a scene from Class of 1999. My mistake. The actual traumatic experience involved someone pushing me while I was at the urinal and a bit of piss going on my trousers, but flamethrowing teachers are much more interesting, so we’ll focus on them today.
I recently reviewed Showdown in Little Tokyo, an amazing film directed by Mark L. Lester, who also directed Commando, which was on telly the other night – and this all reminded me of another awesome film that Lester directed (not Pterodactyl (18, seen)) called Class of 1999.
Class of 1999 is set in the future (well it was in 1990, but it’s not anymore, which ruins it a bit, but it’s no reason to start pulling down your pants and rubbing a cheese grater over your crotch or anything. Calm down. Seriously.), in a world where schools are overrun by dangerous gangs and teachers have no control. It never explains why these ‘pupils’ come into school in the first place, but they do, and they disrupt things, you know, like lessons. I mean if I was in a dangerous gang I could think of much better things to do with my time than come to school and swear at teachers.*
Anyway, things are getting a bit much and no-one knows their times tables, so the school employs three new teachers to sort everything out. But what’s so special about these guys? How will they be any different?
BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING CYBORGS, THAT’S WHY.
So the cyborgs come along and start killing the pupils (oops) and so the gangs all have to team up to stop them. So of course there’s a massive humans vs. cyborgs war at the end.
If you think you might need to know anything else about the film in order to decide whether you want to watch it I suggest sellotaping your mouth shut and putting your head in a cow shit you idiot.
This film is very good, so I give it 7 18s out of 10.
NB: Class of 1999 is actually a sequel to Class of 1984 (18, seen), also directed by Mark L. Lester, which is good, but is unfortunately not about cyborgs.
Class of 1999 also has its own sequel, the ingeniously named Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (18, seen) (not to be confused with The Substitute (18, need)) that stars Sasha Mitchell from Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (18, need), Kickboxer 3: The Art of War (18, seen) and Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor (18, seen).
*Actually, that does sound quite fun.