I’ve finally seen Machete – the film I’ve been wanting to see most this year. When I first heard about it, I ripped a hole in my trousers, painted my dick green and ran through town making penis prints on the windows of any shops beginning with ‘M’ – that’s how excited I was. And now I’ve seen it, but was it worth spending a night in prison?
Machete was amazing from start to finish, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face the entire way through. As soon as it starts, Machete goes and decapitates three blokes at once – it was at this point I knew that I would like this film. From there on in, it’s pretty much non-stop absurdity, as Machete beats people up, shoots people, uses their guts as rope, shags women, beats people up, shoots people, uses guts as rope, shags women, punches people, hits people with garden trimmers, uses guts as rope, shoots people, shags women, USES GUTS AS ROPE, kicks people, and uses some guts as a bit of rope.
Danny Trejo (from 18s like Marked for Death (seen), From Dusk Till Dawn (seen), Con Air (seen), The Replacement Killers (seen), From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (seen), From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter (seen), The Devil’s Rejects (seen), Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror (seen) and Halloween (2007)(seen)) is absolutely amazing in the title role, and I would happily trade three rare pogs to see him in more lead roles, because he’s bloody fantastic.
It’s also wet to see Jeff Fahey (18s like Body Parts (seen) and Planet Terror (seen)) and Tom Savini (18s like Dawn of the Dead (seen), Maniac (need), Creepshow 2 (seen), Dawn of the Dead (2004) (seen), Lost Boys: The Tribe (seen) and Zack and Miri Make a Porno (seen)), but it also made me a fan of this guy called Shea Whigham, who plays this mental sniper type bloke. Turns out he’s been in some sweet 18s that I’ve seen too (Splinter and Bad Lieutenant). But most of fucking all, the best person in the movie is;
Because of my age, I’d never had the chance to see Seagal on the big screen (just missed out on Exit Wounds (18, seen)), so finally getting the chance to do this was a tent of epic proportions. It’s a good job he took this gig instead of that half-assed piece of 15-rated bollocks The Expendables because he’s sodding sweet in this one.
He plays a bad guy for once, and he has a sword fight with Machete at the end – that’s all you need to know really. The DVD should just be a massive picture of Seagal’s face, with STEVEN SEAGAL written in massive letters (STEVEN at the top, SEAGAL at the bottom) then just below SEAGAL it should say something like;
“SEAGAL HAS A SWORD FIGHT WITH DANNY TREJO IN THIS FILM”
Then on the back it should just have loads of pictures of Seagal holding swords and maybe one of Trejo but mostly of Seagal holding swords.
If the distributors of Machete are reading this (fingers crossed) I’ll fucking design it for you, I’m well good at Paint or whatever the fuck it is.
Anyway, couldn’t believe how good Machete was, go and see it etc ectcsetchera ettccssxxeekktteraa.
I give it 8 18s out of 10.
Oh there are some hot women in it too.