Classic 18: Fire Down Below (1997)

After watching Machete and realising that Steven Seagal on the big screen was one of the defining moments of my life, I thought I’d revisit my favourite Seagal film – Fire Down Below.

Now this is possibly a controversial choice (well, only controversial to idiots like me that spend ages talking about which Steven Seagal film is the best), because most people would go with Above the Law (18, seen), or Out For Justice (18, seen) – but those people are wrong.  Well, ok, they might be right, but I like Fire Down Below the best, ok?

Why do I think it’s the best Seagal film?  Here are ten reasons:

1.  Steven Seagal is in it.
He’s definitely in his other movies too, but he’s well in this one.

2.  Marg Helgenberger is in it.
I like Marg Helgenberger – not just because of her name, I also think she is a good actress.  I also am very attracted to her in this role.  Possibly because it reminds me of the time I had to clean up a small town that was dumping toxic waste and I met this misunderstood woman and I offered to buy her honey and groceries and then ended up having sex with her.

3.  Seagal plays the guitar for the first time on screen in this.
I am a huge fan of Seagal’s music.  For more info, read a fantastic article about his stuff here.

4.  The soundtrack is safe.
Seagal wrote, produced and/or performed loads of the songs in this film.  This pleases me (see above).

5.  It is a fucking 18.

6.  Seagal beats people up at numerous points during the film.
Seagal beats people up at numerous points during the film.

7.  I’m running out of legitimate ideas as to why this is the best Seagal movie.
Err, shit, he, umm breaks a bloke’s nose?

8.  Steven Seagal is in it.
Damn, already said that one.

9.  Oh I got one!
Whistler from Blade (18, seen) is in it.  This reminds me of Blade, which is a film I like.

10.  Robert Pattinson is not in it.
Nor is Kristen Stewart.

There we have it – 10 reasons why Fire Down Below is the best Seagal film.  I could go into an in-depth plot description, but I think I’ll just let the trailer do the talking:

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I give it 9 18s out of 10.  (which is weird because I’d probably give other Seagal films ten 18s out of ten – ignore me, please.  I’m an idiot)

http://www.popbitch.com/home/2010/04/12/this-weeks-number-one-is-steven-seagal/
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  1. Pingback: People I Like no. 5: Steven Seagal | ionlywatch18s

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