An 18 Connoisseur’s Guide To Navigating HMV
If you have, you probably follow a set path through the shop – most people do. However, if you want my respect, that path has got to change. Being an 18 aficionado changes many things, and one of them is how you tackle a trip to HMV. Because I’m a helpful kind of fellow, I feel it my duty to impart my tried and tested technique for navigating HMV unto you, the reader. Read below to see the light. (This technique is designed for a male – as I am one – so alter accordingly if you are female.)
First things first, you need to sort out how you look. You can wear whatever you want, but it helps if you’ve got lots of wax in your hair and a slicked-back haircut, also, a big garish watch might help too. Secondly, make sure you have a working biro in your pocket (this’ll come in handy later). Posture-wise, lean back so that your entire body is at least at an 80 degree angle to the ground, and that your feet face slightly outwards.
Approach the entrance of HMV with an aggressive swagger (if you can, with some sort of variation on the People’s Eyebrow), and if such is your want, take a drag from an imaginary cigarette before flicking it in someone’s face. Enter the shop and wink at the nearest female (this establishes your alpha male status), before audibly dismissing the nearest PG you see – something like this usually works;
“Fuck Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I’m not a twat”
Then walk directly to the horror section, for this will have the highest concentration of 18s. On the way there, you will most likely pass the kids’ section – this is where the biro comes in handy. On your way there, make sure you have rubbed the biro all over your index finger, this will allow you to run said finger over the ‘KIDS’ sign as you swagger past, leaving a smudged black line through the babiest of sections.
Once in the horror section, flick through each DVD, loudly pronouncing which ones you have seen, or got. You will probably have attracted some attention from security by now, so to get yourself onside, pick up a 15 rated DVD, catch a security guard’s eye, point at the DVD, tut, roll your eyes and make a wanker sign at it – the security guard will agree with your sentiments and leave you alone.
Carry on browsing through the horror films, letting everyone know how many you’ve seen. If anybody near you picks up a 15 or lower, make sure you elbow them really hard in the back and/or spit on their shoes – there should be no discrimination against age/colour/creed/sex in this endeavour. Once you have finished in the horror section, you can take your chosen DVDs to the counter (possibly stopping by at any other sections that you might find 18s – action/comedy/martial arts/adult).
Pay for the DVDs, making sure when you place each one on the counter, to press the 18 certificate and say ‘boop!’ – this lets the cashier know you are appreciative of the age-rating. Also, it’s essential that you scoff at anyone else in the queue holding any DVD below an 18 (‘scoff’ can mean many things – an exaggerated sigh, a prolonged teeth-kiss, a headbutt mimic, or a karate chop to the back of the neck – which one you choose is up to you.).
Then, after purchasing your 18s, you can leave the store, with your head held high, optionally knocking off all the DVDs from their shelf at the exit whilst laughing extremely loudly.
Well done, you have successfully shown HMV that you mean fucking business.