Tackling the Cinema
After I had informed you how best to deal with a trip to HMV, I realised that there are other arenas in which it is possible to show an appreciation of 18s. The most obvious being, THE CINEMA. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’ve seen an 18 at the cinema, but it’s also possible that you might have seen a, err, ouch, erm…wait a minute, brb.
That’s better, what I was trying to say was you might have seen a 15 at the cinema. I hope this isn’t true, but I’m wise to how this mad world works. And besides, you won’t be doing silly things like that anymore will you? WILL YOU?
And because you won’t, you’ll need to know exactly how to tackle going to see an 18 at the cinema. If this is something you do not already know how to do, then read on:
Again, as with HMV, appearance is essential. Slicked-back hair, lots of wax, big watch, big boots if you’ve got them, raised eyebrow, 80 degree backwards lean, and slight penguin-outward-pointing feet.
Then, the approach – make sure people inside the cinema can see you approaching the (usually) glass doors. This can be achieved by screaming and/or throwing an egg at the windows. Then, upon entering, make sure to run a comb through your hair, roll up your sleeves, throw a tenner in the air and kick it – this will intimidate the patrons whilst also earning their respect.
Then swagger up to the queue. You may feel the need to push past everyone to get to the front, but this is inconsiderate – you’re not an animal. Whilst queuing, openly discuss your hatred of lesser-certificate films, here are some examples of possible one-sided discussions:
“Anyone see Lord of the Rings? (Begin before anyone can answer) UNLUCKY.”
“What’s this? Toy Story 3? Sounds like a pile of shit.”
“I’d rather have sex with you than watch Megamind.” (has to be directed towards someone ugly)
Once you’ve successfully alerted the queue and lobby to your supreme presence, it’ll be time to purchase your ticket. Obviously, you will have gone on a Wednesday in order to gain cheap tickets, because the cinema is an utter rip-off the rest of the time, so sidle up to the counter and shout “ORANGE WEDNESDAYS BITCHES” to allow them time to prepare. Then aggressively point at whichever 18 it is you’ve come to see whilst looking around for females, winking and going “eh? EH?”
Then say the name of the film quietly to the cashier, this will cause them to say “Pardon?”, so repeat the name even more quietly, causing them to lean even closer, at which point, whisper the name, bringing them further towards you.
Then SHOUT the name really loud in their ear. This is amusing and witty.
Finally, throw your money at them, saying “Keep da chaaayynge, dirkhed!” and walk off, optionally headbutting the glass screen in front of the cashier if present.
Unfortunately, you won’t be needing popcorn because you do not HAVE to eat something every time you see a film, and you will not be buying a drink because you will need a wee.
Enjoy the film.