18 related anecdote no. 23

The Ideal Way To Consume An 18 Rated DVD

So, you’ve been to HMV (hopefully you followed my instructions), or you’ve ordered online, and now you have yourself a shiny new 18 DVD.  So what’s the best way to consume it?  Well, I thought I’d give you some ideas by telling you how I usually consume my 18s.  To make it easier, I will post how to tackle each genre – today’s is horror:

HORROR: This is my favourite type of 18, mainly because they often contain the Holy trinity of sex, violence and swearing – sometimes in abundance.

If I have bought the DVD in a shop, I will not let go of it until I get home – which makes driving a bit difficult, but at least I’ve got my priorities straight.  During the journey home I will often repeatedly punch myself in the crotch whilst swearing at passers-by.  Depending on my mood, I sometimes get out at the bottom of my drive, put the DVD between my bum cheeks and try and walk to the front door as fast as I can without bending my legs.

If however, I have ordered the DVD online, I will have to wait.  I do not enjoy waiting, but it’s worth it to spray the fucking postman in his eyes with chilli sauce when he drops it off.

Once I have the DVD inside, I usually rip the cellophane off with my teeth whilst screaming and/or kicking a radiator.  I then either flush the cellophane down the toilet with loads of toilet paper in an effort to clog the pipes, or I eat it.  I stare at the DVD in silence for a few minutes before putting it in the player, at which point I will grab a pair of scissors, cut a chunk out of my hair and throw it on the floor.

I’ll usually get myself some food, preferably of the messiest type – spaghetti, lasagne, risotto – and eat it using my hands whilst occasionally flinging it across the room in a jealous rage.  Every time either someone swears, someone dies, or there are tits I will jab the scissors into the sofa and shout ‘BACK OF THE NET’ or ‘SUCK IT’.

If anyone that I haven’t invited to watch the film disturbs me during it I’ll have previously prepared some sort of elastic band firing mechanism aimed at head-height, which is rigged to the door.  If the elastic band misses, I will usually spit and make hissing cat noises until the unwanted intruder leaves.

Then when the film has finished I will go into the garden and stomp some flowers into the fucking ground innit.

Next time: COMEDY.

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