The Human Centipede (2009)

So you’ve probably heard of The Human Centipede by now.  If not, I’ll enlighten you – it’s about a man who decides it would be a bit of a lark to surgically attach three people mouth to anus, thus forming the titular abomination.

So yeah, not about a guy who turns into a centipede (something which my friend who went with me (to the premiere, if you’re asking) thought it was about – needless to say she was surprised).  However, once you’re over the initial idea, The Human Centipede isn’t that hard to watch.  It is however, really good.

The film begins with two girls broken down on a deserted road,

“Fuck” one of them says, “what are we going to do?”

“Erm, well, I’ve been looking at your arse and I quite fancy stitching my mouth to it – so what say we find a mad scientist willing to do it for us?”  The other replies.

“Yeah go on then you bitch, SPRING BREAK!”

So off they go to find some help.  Unfortunately it’s in the form of Dr. Heiter – an insane German doctor who likes experimenting on dogs – he’s previously made a dog centipede, natch.  So in the silly girls go, and are subsequently drugged and wake up in hospital beds next to a screaming Japanese man.

So, obviously, they’re a bit worried – I mean, last time I woke up in a hospital bed next to a screaming Japanese man the day got worse before it got better.  To be honest I don’t really want to go into details.  So yes, they’re a bit distraught, especially once Heiter comes in and starts showing them diagrams (he clearly didn’t do Art at A-Level) of human centipedes.

Eventually, he gets around to sticking the three people together, arse-to-mouth, and you don’t need me to tell you that they’re none too happy about this.  Now, as soon as you see this creation, a question unavoidably presents itself -which segment of the human centipede would you rather be?  Well, each segment has its disadvantages and advantages.  But after thinking about it for a while (2 seconds), I came to the conclusion that I’d rather be the front piece.  I mean, you’d be able to talk, you can decide where you want the centipede to go, and you don’t have to wipe your arse ever again.  Conversely, the middle piece is pretty much fucked to shit and back, and the last piece has to eat poo that’s been digested twice, so they’re not too much better off either.  Yeah, front piece for me every time.

Unless Heiter didn’t let me.  In that case it’d be the end, and the person in front of me would have to be a girl because girls excrete flowers and they smell and taste better than normal shit (er, haha, I’m guessing anyway, hahaha).  If I was the Malcolm, then I’d require girls at both ends for obvious reasons (not gay) and they’d have to be interested in the same kind of things as me – 18s, horror movies, shouting at people, pumping bare heavy weights etc – I’m not spending my life surgically attached to people that watch 15s or any crazy ess aych iy tee like that.

So, if you’re reading Dr. Heiter, shotgun first, then last, then, and only if you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO, middle.  And no other blokes either.  Deal?

Mint.

Anyway, once they’re all attached they go and have a walk around the garden for a bit, have a bit of a dance, tour schools giving motivational speeches, you know, the usual.  Everything is going relatively smoothly, but then the time comes when the front guy needs to go for a poo.  Uh oh.  Second girl’s going to have to eat it. Which she does.

**PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**

THIS IS NOT AN IDEAL DATE MOVIE.

**PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**

So, there are a few revolting digesting sequences and then end girl’s mouth goes septic (hope I’m not ruining this for you) and pus starts coming out of her cheeks.  But that’s it.  You’re over the worst.  It doesnt get any more vile than this, so well done, you’re home and dry.  Unlike the human centipede – they’re in a mad scientist’s house and they’re far from dry.

Other things happen in the movie though – police come and go, other people get their drinks spiked by Heiter, people get shot, the Japanese man shouts a lot more, and the human centipede tries to escape.  It really is that good.  But seriously, it is actually really good – far better than it has any right to be, anyway.

And that’s about all that can be said on the subject.  I recommend this film wholeheartedly – especially for those people that spend their days carrying out pointless tasks like seeing how long they can last with their mouth sellotaped to the cat’s arse.

I’m gonna bloody well give The Human Centipede 7 18s out of 10.

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