18 related anecdote no. 24

The Ideal Way To Consume An 18 Rated DVD: Comedy

Today I’ll tell you how best to enjoy a comedy film in the comfort of your own house.

Firstly – providing you’ve got them – invite friends round (preferably good-looking ones  – you don’t want to be hanging around mingreds) as a large group is essential to maximise a comedy’s effectiveness.  If you are male – invite more females than males, and vice-versa if you are female – this will come in handy for the climactic orgy.

Alcohol is also a good idea.  Beer is a manly drink, so if you want to impress the girls with how masculine you are, make sure you drink this (Stella Artois is a strong preference, but if you’re really hard, Kestrel Super Strength will really get your loins warm).  It would also be useful to learn how to open a bottle of beer with a lighter/piece of rolled up paper/table, or if you’re feeling really adventurous –  your bicep; although it’s probably best to only try this with screw-capped beers.  You will look a pillock if you cut yourself trying to open a beer with your arm – trust me, I know.  Either way, opening beers in an unorthodox manner will impress women no end, especially if you are shouting whilst doing it.

It’s also beneficial to leave dumbbells dotted around the house – this proves you are strong (even if you’ve never even touched them).  Optionally you can rub some tomato sauce into the carpet next to them to emphasise how hard you work out, unless of course you have already informed the women that you ‘ain’t got time to bleed.’

Snacks are not essential – mainly because they’re loud, but as this is a comedy and the viewing experience will most likely be rowdy anyway, they can be utilised.  Popcorn, crisps, Peperamis, Haribo, Peanuts and the flesh of a freshly killed fox are all suitable foodstuffs.

Once you are settled, gather everyone around your television (which is preferably fucking gigantic) and inform your friends that the film is about to start.  This can be achieved with a megaphone, gong or any other loud noise (not a fart).

Begin watching.

Now, I’m usually averse to comments being shouted out during films (unless they are REALLY funny) but due to the raucous nature of the surroundings, in this case they too can be allowed.  But if anyone makes an unfunny comment, they should be forced to wear a dunce hat with a dog shit inside and left outside in the garden until the film is over.  You can write ‘TWAT’ on their forehead too if you like.

Also, if the film is a good comedy, then everyone should be laughing.  If you have inadvertently invited one of those hip dickheads that won’t laugh at someone getting punched in the groin then they must be banished immediately.  With a punch to the groin.  Which will be funny.

Carry on with these things in mind until the end of the film.

Finally, the SECOND the end credits finish (you must watch them just in case there’s a hidden bit at the end) everyone must remove their clothes and ram it big town ’til the cows spoil the broth.

Next time: ACTION.

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