The Tournament (2009)

Got this one for Christmas.


The Tournament is about a competition that happens every seven years in a random town (in this case, Middlesbrough – England’s most happening town) where the world’s best assassins meet and have to kill each other.  The last one standing gets loads of money.  The others get dead.  So far, so Holy fuck this film sounds amazing – but there’s more.  Robert Carlyle plays an alcoholic priest (the best kind) who accidentally swallows one of the assassins’ GPS trackers and so everyone thinks he’s part of the game.  Basically, his day just got pretty rubbish.

Sounds good right?

RIGHT.  But there’s more.

It gets even better – listen to the cast: Ving Rhames (18s like Con Air (seen), Dawn of the Dead (seen), Day of the Dead (seen), Piranha 3D (seen)), Robert Carlyle (18s like Ravenous (seen), The 51st State (seen), 28 Weeks Later (seen)), Kelly Hu (18s like Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (seen)), Liam Cunningham (18s like Blood: The Last Vampire (seen)), Sebastien Foucan (no previous 18s but the guy who pretty much invented free running), AND SCOTT ADKINS (read why I like him here).

Mint isn’t it?

This film may seem familiar to you, even if you’re not quite sure from where.  Well, either you’ve seen Mean Guns (18, seen) or you saw the trailer in cinemas.  Well, I saw the trailer in a cinema (I’ve seen Mean Guns too), and then said cinema neglected to show it.  In fact, I didn’t see it advertised at any cinema, which was an absolute travesty because a British film of this caliber deserved to be seen on the big screen.  I HATE waiting for DVDs to come out.  But not to worry – if anyone involved in the film is reading this, don’t fret, because I put a dead fish in the upper deck of one of the toilets in the offending cinema so the whole place stinks now.

The Tournament is one of those films seemingly made solely with me in mind.  I’m pretty sure they must have had agents outside my house using top secret government techniques to read my thoughts otherwise this film wouldn’t have been as amazing as it is.  (In cinemas next year, a 3 hour long movie where I have sex with Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Olivia Wilde and Gemma Arterton whilst driving a tank shooting at zombies and Jet Li and Jackie Chan fight each other on the turret.)

What I’m trying to say is, this film has it all; hot women, martial arts, free running, guns, fights, gore, swearing and an alcoholic priest.  From the get-go it’s non-stop action – within the first ten minutes Ving Rhames has exploded a bloke’s head with a shotgun in glorious Technicolor.  At this point the film was already in my top ten movies ever.

From that point onwards it doesn’t stop being amazing (well, actually there’s one point where it hits absolute rock-bottom but I won’t ruin that part for you), and I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face for the entire duration.  Each main character is effortlessly cool, with Scott Adkins and Sebastien Foucan’s being the best, even if they aren’t in it as much as everyone else – story of Scott Adkins’ life for Pete’s sake.

As a film, The Tournament is good, as an 18, it is amazing, and as my ideal type of film, it is close to perfect.  Therefore I give it 9 18s out of 10.

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0 Responses to The Tournament (2009)

  1. Agent Orange says:

    Easliy one of my favourites from last year. Fast paced, fun, violent and fucked up in all the right ways. Have seen three times already.

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