So happy new year everyone! Hope you’ve all got some new year’s resolutions – I have. Fucking already broke it though – got really pissed on New Year’s Eve. Although I suppose I broke it before the new year actually started, so I guess it doesn’t really count. Anyway, alongside not getting pissed, not having sex with supermodels anymore (trust me, it gets really boring) and not leading on every woman that meets me and instantly falls in love with me, my main new year’s resolution is to watch EVEN MORE 18s.
Luckily, there are loads of films coming out in 2011 that sound cushty, so I’m gonna do a quick whip-through of the films I’m looking forward to and what I will do if they aren’t 18s.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – I loved the transformers toys when I was a kid, but because the films have been 12s, I haven’t yet had the chance to see them – so fingers crossed for third time lucky.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Go into the attic, get all my transformers toys, put them in a blender with some protein powder and drink it after maxing out the fucking bench press machine.
Fast Five – Another fanchise that has so far eluded me due to its lightweight certificates. And this one has The Rock in it, of whom I am a large fan. Haven’t seen any of his films (no 18s) but I liked him when he was wrestling. HOLY HARIBO BATMAN, THIS BETTER BE AN 18.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Dress up as The Rock (I’m a dead ringer) and rock-bottom the first person that looks at me.
Thor – I like comic-book movies, but I’ve only been able to watch a few (Blade, Blade II, The Punsher, The Punisher: War Zone) so here’s hoping this will be an 18 – he’s got a hammer for Pete’s sake, don’t let all that potential go down the drain.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Grow my hair long, grab a hammer and smash up a comic book store.
The Green Hornet – I haven’t seen these guys in any 18s, but Bruce Lee was in the TV show upon which this is based – and he was in some sweet 18s, therefore I am interested.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Sellotape a knife to my arse, paint myself yellow and black, put a sieve over each eye and sting someone.
Captain America: The First Avenger – Again, another comic book movie that I hope will be an 18.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Paint a red skull on one side of my face and Chris Evan’s face on the other side then beat myself up. Naked.
Drive Angry 3D – This has all the makings of a bona-fide 18 – Nicolas Cage, a car, the devil, and it’s from the guy who did one of the most box-ticking 18s of recent years – My Bloody Valentine 3D.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Set fire to my car and drive it off a cliff with a lesbian in the passenger seat.
The Mechanic – Jason Statham is in this – I am a fan. It is a remake of a 15 though, so hopes aren’t held high.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – To be honest, I do this all the time anyway – pose as a mechanic in order to have sex with bored housewives, whilst occasionally falling over and landing with my face in a cream pie.
Scream 4 – Obviously I have seen all the other films in the Scream franchise because they are 18s. I enjoyed every single one of them (even if the quality did decrease as the trilogy wore on) and therefore by default I assume I will enjoy this one. I’d take bets that this’ll be an 18 too.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Ring up a random phone number and quiz them about horror movies before killing them. Or at least just trap their head in the cat-flap.
Unknown – Just because Liam Neeson is a certified grade-A badass. Also the cover looks a bit like the cover for Taken and you should ALWAYS judge a DVD by its cover. In fact, you should judge everything by its cover. Which is why I bought a Cannibal Corpse album once even though I’d never heard any of their music – it was shit, but I got a wicked cover.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – I will kidnap my imaginary daughter and then save her using a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (me).
A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas – I have only seen the second film in this series for reasons that are surely obvious, so there’s always a chance I’ll watch this too.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Delete the numbers of any Chinese or Indian friends from my mobile.
Wanted 2 – The first Wanted was a steaming cocktail of 18-rated mint-flavoured crisps. I loved it. More of the same please.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Dedicate my life to trying to adopt Angelina Jolie. I WILL STOP AT NOTHING.
Final Destination 5 – It would be nice if these films were 18s – I’ve heard good things. Oh well, I just murdered a rabbit and cut off its foot – let’s hope it’s as lucky as they say!
What I will do if it is not an 18 – I’ll slip sleeping pills in tube-commuters’ coffee so they fall asleep and don’t get off until the…Final Destination!!!
There’s loads more films coming but I’m already bored of writing this list – if you were too, please email me and I’ll send you a virus you cheeky twat.
HERE’S TO A GREAT NEW YEAR!!