Here’s a guy whose name I’ll bet ten Tazos that you don’t recognise. If you do, it’s no skin off my back – I’ve got loads of Tazos. But if you don’t (which you won’t) then drop and give me ten.
So, you might not recognise his name, but I bet 5 series 2 rare pogs that you’ll recognise his face:
Yes? Unlucky, gimme your pogs. No? Again, not an issue – I’ve got pogs coming out of my arse.
Anyway, Brion James (unfortunately no longer with us) was and is one of my favourite actors of all time (he used to be my favourite, but that was mainly because I thought it was cool and hip if someone asked me who my favourite actor was and I said someone they’d never heard of). One reason for me liking him is that he’s been in some great 18s. Here’s a run-through of his best:
Southern Comfort – This is one of those culture-clash Deliverance style films, in this case concerning a load of national guardsmen going up against some local Cajuns. I haven’t seen this yet but Lord knows I want to. I love these kind of films.
EDIT: I’ve just found out this has been reclassified as a 15 so I will never watch it.
Red Heat – This has Arnold Schwarzenegger in it so is good – regardless of how terrible his Russian accent is. If they remade Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Arnold Schwarzenegger played each character, with every one wearing his Running Man suit and the only way to differentiate between the characters being that he wore a different wig, it would still be good.
Tango and Cash – This film is utterly fantastic in every possible way. Unfortunately, Brion James plays a ‘Ooooiy, meeaaayte, Oiiim a cohceerrneey yoose wankeers’ henchman and his accent is the opposite of utterly fantastic in every possible way. But in many possible ways, that actually causes it to be utterly fantastic in a number of ways, therefore contributing to the wealth of other ways that the entire film is utterly fantastic.
House III: The Horror Show – Easily my favourite Brion James performance. In this, he plays an absolutely barking mad serial killer who gets sent to the electric chair at the beginning. Oh, that’s a shame – he’s not in the movie anymore. WRONG. He comes back to life in order to terrorize Lance Henriksen (soon to be covered by People I Like) and his poor family. In one bit, he possesses the family’s Thanksgiving turkey (reliable movie recommendation no. 345).
Nemesis – This film is insane. But I suppose in a good way, you know, like if the owner of a chocolate shop went insane and started giving away free chocolate. Not like in a bad way, you know, like if the owner of a chocolate shop went insane and started doing poos, wrapping them up and giving them away as free chocolate. To demonstrate how insane this film is, here’s a clip (that’s Brion at the beginning):
Showdown – I remember being bullied at school (for having the biggest penis) – it was a hard time. Luckily, the school janitor was a martial arts expert and instead of doing his job, he decided that he would teach me how to fight in order to beat the bullies that were jealous of my way with the ladies. This is a coincidence, because apart from the penis bit, that’s pretty much the story for Showdown. Therefore it holds a special place in my heart. Oh and Billy Blanks and Brion James are in it.
Those are my favourite Brion James films – he’s been in other non-18, ‘good’ films like The Fifth Element and Enemy Mine but I shall forever be ignorant to those and their kin for I am not, as they say, a pussy.