Outcast (2010)

Don’t you hate it when you’re up in a dodgy council estate in Scotland, doing your social services bit, when a mad witch woman puts a curse on you, some chavs call you a ‘frigid bitch’, you get hit over the head with a metal pipe, a bloke starts stalking you and pulling pigeons’ guts out in front of you, your Mum says you’re not allowed to have sex with the hot girl that really fancies you, the wallpaper in your house is covered in Pagan symbols, your mate’s gone missing, and to top it all off, there’s a gigantic werewolf-type bastard running around killing everyone?

What, that’s never happened to you?  You need to get out more mate – stop living life on the sidelines, put down the Playstation and get out there.  Jeez, kids nowadays – bone idle.

Well, if you’re familiar to the above, then you’ll be able to relate to Outcast, a new British 18 starring James Nesbitt (Resurrection Man (18, need)) and Karen Gillan (some programme that sounds good if it was an 18 but isn’t so sounds shit called Doctor Who).  It’s about an Irish kid who moves to Scotland with his naked Mum – who likes to draw on the walls and light candles and stuff – and who meets a hot girl living next door.  They fall in love, but Mummy’s a bit mental (or is she?) and won’t let them shag so everyone gets all frustrated.  Meanwhile, a back-tattooed James Nesbitt is skulking about the place going on about being on ‘a hunt’ and having magical powers.  There’s also some other characters, one of whom is the aforementioned ‘frigid bitch’.  Oh yeah and there’s a massive monster eating people too.

So basically, it’s one of those black-magic-voodoo kind of larks, only set in a council estate in Scotland.  Also, it’s REALLY GOOD.  And even a bit scary.  Which is hard work for a seasoned vet like me – I’m pretty desensitized what with being such a legend and everything – but this one had me quaking in my slippers for at least 2 seconds.  There are also a few pretty effective shock-jumps dotted about the place – so don’t watch it if you need a poo.

Overall, I enjoyed this (especially because it was British) and therefore I’m going to recommend it to you.  Aren’t I nice?  I can switch LIKE THAT though.  So if I were you, I’d heed my words and watch this – don’t do one of those, “Oh yeah, I’ll watch it, can’t wait” and then completely ignore my advice.  I remember once I recommended Drive to a friend (my favourite film in the world) while we were in a video shop, and she picked it up off the shelf.  Score one for me.  Only as we were leaving I noticed she’d PUT IT BACK on the shelf without telling me.  That was the end of our friendship.  So, if you like me when I’m being nice and helpful, and you want me to be your friend, then listen to my wisdom.  If not, you’ve got another thing coming, buddy, and it ain’t gonna be flowers.

It’ll probably be a kick to the groin or something.

Outcast gets 7 18s out of 10.

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