If the answer is no – well, good for you. You should be more interested in what Al Leong, or Bolo Yeung, or Clint Howard have been up to. Well done you.
If the answer is yes – fair enough, I quite like ‘Larger Than Life’ so I’ll let you off. I can even tell you what he’s been up to if you want – click here to find out.
So obviously, after reading that, you’ll want to see that film (obviously it’s called Kill Speed in the U.K). Obviously, after reading that, I wanted to see that film (once I found out that it was not obviously, an 18). Obviously, due to me obviously wanting to see that film, I have seen it. Obviously it was good. Well, obviously, it was bad, but in an obviously good way. And obviously, I have a gigantic penis.
So, onto the film. You’ve read the synopsis (if you haven’t, go back and read it you insolent fuck), so you’ll know what it’s about – but what you’ll really want to know is how good it is. Well, as I’ve already mentioned how good it was (if you don’t know again – read the paragraph above, and stop skipping things – this is good stuff), you’ll probably want to know why it was so good. Here goes:
Nick Carter plays a white man who thinks he is black – This is the main reason why Kill Speed is good. For example:
Nick Carter wears his hats at jaunty/street angles – This is good if you want tips on how to look like an idiot.
Nick Carter somehow manages to be a success with unbelievably hot women even though he has a clear mental problem – This part of the film is not that great.
Nick Carter sings some songs on the soundtrack. They clash violently with his on-screen character because they sound like Backstreet Boys songs – This creates a vortex which will suck you into oblivion if you think about it too much.
Nick Carter calls himself ‘F-Man’ – As you can see, this is amusing.
There are some surprisingly exciting aeroplane battles/chases – This is actually not a joke.
The previous statement is nullified when a fighter jet flies through a car tunnel on a busy day – This however, remains amusing.
There are some dodgy special effects – Some people would say this is ‘charming’.*
One of the main characters was in Power Rangers – Or at least I thought he was, and I mentioned this to the people who were watching this with me, and I don’t like to be wrong. Although you can forgive me as I have never watched Power Rangers due to it being for kids.
There is a sex scene where you don’t get to see anything – This almost caused me to put my foot through the television.
Tom Arnold, Bill Goldberg, Robert Patrick and Shawnee Smith are all in it – This pleases me.
One of the characters has sex with 5 supermodels at once whilst bench-pressing another – Oh no wait that was me.
So, to paraphrase Einstein – “You will really enjoy Kill Speed if you are extremely easily pleased. E=MC².”
I agree (for I am consistently easily pleased), so I will give it 6 18s out of 10. But please bear in mind that it is shit.
*But they would be wrong.
EDIT: I have subsequently found out that this film is a 15. Read my apology here.